IS your penis living in the present moment? Is your pussy on the path to spiritual enlightenment? Have your nipples achieved nirvana?
Tantric sex experts tell us there are six chakras of pleasure, though focusing on the groinal ones can’t hurt. Recognising the spiritual needs of your fanny could pay orgasmic dividends, so recalibrate your hot harmony levels:
Crystal toys
Why wedge silky silicone up there when you could be getting off to the cold, unforgiving touch of an unethically quarried semi-precious gem? And if you’re going to stuff an egg up your arse, it might as well be rose quartz to promote compassion and tenderness in the heart of the medical professional removing it.
Breathing
Not the boring kind you do to stay alive. The mindful, grunty and uneven breathing you do if you’re thinking about it. As you rigidly huff in and out, imagine sexual energy shooting up from your testicles or womb area towards your third eye. Now try to imagine having the patience and concentration to do this during sex.
Mantras
The key to a good relationship? Communication. So if you really want to establish a spiritual connection with your junk, chat like it’s an orchid and you’re King Charles. And lie to yourself: ‘I am a sexual animal… I have regular, top-notch orgasms that satisfy my body and mind… not just when wanking…’
ASMR
If ASMR can give you a tingly sensation when it comes at you through your ears, imagine the relaxation levels if you wedge your earbuds into your loins. The sound of a moron tapping their overly-long fingernails on a paper cup whispering ‘relaxxxxxx’ really grounds your penis.
Reiki
If your aura is all clogged up with acts of passive aggression and unfulfilled dreams, most of them will stem from your crotch. Years of rejection and unstinting abuse are a lot for a cock to handle, let alone to cleanse from its energy field. Play a Reiki YouTube at it then have a wank, see if it’s worked.
