'Your vegetable likeness infringed on my client’s trademarks': The next six legal letters sent by Liz Truss

10th January 2025

LIZ Truss has threatened to sue Keir Starmer for saying she crashed the economy. And her legal delusions do not end there:

“We request compensation of £4.2 million to restore my client’s reputation”

Hand-delivered to ‘The Blob, Whitehall’, this letter requests compensation for reputational damage from the civil servants who conspired to bring Britain’s most successful prime minister and Funko Pop down. Remains untouched in a pigeonhole for nine months.

“Your vegetable likeness infringed on my client’s trademarks”

A British legal first as a lettuce is sued for misrepresentation, citing its appearance on newspaper front pages in a wig and googly eyes as ‘confusing to elderly voters’ and ‘a clear attempt to profit from my client’s image’. The lettuce is required to make a full public apology.

“The poor financial underpinnings of the UK economy were fraudulently concealed”

Liz Truss’s plans for the economy were brilliant and could not fail, because they were her plans and she was Liz Truss. But they did, so someone else must be responsible. A legal letter is therefore dispatched to Boris Johnson for deliberately hiding dry rot and subsidence in ten-year gilts. Johnson, in turn, dispatches it directly to the bin.

“You provided economic advice you were in no way qualified to give”

Kwasi Kwarteng, glad just to get post, receives a letter demanding restitution for his unqualified six-week stint as chancellor on the grounds he did not hold an Investment Advice Diploma from the Chartered Institute for Securities and Investment. Returned same day with ‘You knew I was a maverick when you hired me, baby. Kwasi out’ scrawled in red.

“Failing in your duty to furnish my client with solid Conservative fundamentals”

‘Ah, it’s a letter from Liz!’ announces her father, a left-wing mathematics professor in Leeds, before reading the demand that he ‘return full reimbursement for corrupting a child’s mind with socialist views and never once reading Hayek’s Road To Serfdom at bedtime’. She will accept his house and pension.

“The untimely death of your late client was, we assert, deliberately timed to damage her”

Buckingham Palace receives a letter suing the Queen for dying. It claims ‘her decease, which could have taken place at any time, was scheduled to be as disruptive as possible for which my client demands full recourse. Scotland is acceptable compensation.’

My lesson in 'gammonomics' for Rachel Reeves. By Roy Hobbs

10th January 2025

I COULD have told you Rachel Reeves would bugger up the economy. She needs a lesson in ‘gammonomics’ – economics based on good old common sense. And I’m happy to oblige.

You can’t keep spending like there’s no tomorrow

Socialists like Rachel love to spend, spend, spend – so long as it’s other people’s money. I’d solve this problem by only allowing the chancellor to spend their own cash. I’m not sure how they’d afford, say, a £500 million hospital, but if Reeves is such a swotty chess clever-clogs she shouldn’t have any problem setting up a GoFundMe.

Sack all MPs

A key principle of gammonomics is that we could fix the economy by getting rid of MPs. They get £91,000 a year and there’s bloody 650 of them, so if we sacked them all we’d be saving, er, loads, probably 50 billion quid or something. We could spend that on useful things like schools, hospitals, and a new branch of the police that makes sure everyone wears a poppy.

Stop selling our precious government bonds

The cause of our current mess is Reeves selling bonds. I don’t know what a bond is, and I’ve been told it’s a normal way for governments to raise money, but I imagine it’s like when my mate Gary took his wife’s iPhone to Cash Converters to tide them over, but when he was meant to buy it back he’d spent it all on booze and scratchcards and she had an eppy. Funny, but do we really want a useless twat like Gary for chancellor?

Britain has a credit card but it doesn’t have a magic money tree

Obviously Britain has a credit card. It’s probably a special one for countries called an Amex Mega Premium Platinum made of solid gold and kept in a Mission Impossible room in Downing Street. Maxing out the credit card wouldn’t be a problem if we could pay it off every month from the magic money tree, but that doesn’t exist. Thatcher had the right idea – she would have cut the credit card in two with a pair of scissors and made Britain get a debit card with a £200 daily limit. Good old Maggie.

It’s all about supply and demand

In layman’s terms, this means if you’ve got a SUPPLY of things people DEMAND, you can sell them for money. So, we should turn the entire economy over to making Greggs sausage rolls, because people can’t get enough of those. Then, when we’re coining it in from making trillions of sausages rolls every day, we can use the massive profits to let everyone join Bupa. I can’t believe we’ve got a chancellor who doesn’t understand basic economic principles like this.

Make chancellors take a lie detector test

The mainstream media has decided Reeves talked her CV up a fair bit, but she’s actually quite well-qualified. And we’re supposed to believe implausible bollocks like that? The only people telling the truth these days are Farage and Guido, so I’ll continue to get my facts from Twitter. They reckon Reeves is a Walter Mitty type who’ll probably say she wrote all Taylor Swift’s songs next. The opinion of random strangers online is good enough for me.

Scrap the entire public sector

When I was in hospital with a stomach ulcer, the doctor came round every morning, looked at a few charts and asked how I was feeling. He was barely on the ward for 20 minutes! That’s 90 grand a year for an hour and a half’s work a week! The sooner we scrap the entire wasteful public sector the better. Personally I’d get water companies to run hospitals. They get a lot of flak, but at least they know how to run a profitable business!

Boost the economy with hanging

We can give traditional industries like rope-making and woodworking a financial boost by bringing back hanging. It’s sustainable growth because the ropes wear out and sometimes snap when you’re hanging fatties. Admittedly this links our economic success as a nation directly to how many people we kill, but that shouldn’t be a problem. I can think of millions of people to execute, starting with paedos and shoplifters, then when we run out of them we can get started on the Remoaners.