You should have planned ahead for being a woman, says Badenoch

ANYONE who knows they are, or suspects they may become, a woman should plan ahead financially to avoid inconveniencing men, Kemi Badenoch has asserted. 

The Conservative leadership candidate believes far too many women blithely and selfishly go about their lives being female while ignoring the impact it has on others.

She continued: “It’s obviously okay for men to procreate. They could father five children in a day and it wouldn’t affect their productivity in the office.

“But for women? Unless they’ve thought ahead and saved the money they owe their employer an apology, a resignation, and I would argue some form of dowry.

“Likewise, if you’re growing up female and looking at earning 7.7 per cent less than your male counterparts, that’s on you. Shop accordingly. Choose cheaper options. Try to live within your bloody means.

“If you’re born a woman, you’re a burden. Rather than retreat into self-serving nonsense about ‘empowerment’ and ‘equality’, accept it and work to counteract it. Otherwise you’re letting men down.”

She added: “Also, if the man pays for a meal then he’s owed a sex act. That will be official Conservative policy.”

Gardeners growing giant vegetables are overcompensating for something

MEN on allotments obsessed with growing massive marrows are trying to compensate for deep feelings of inadequacy in other areas, it has emerged. 

Gardeners trying desperately to outdo green-fingered rivals with oversized veg at county shows are engaging in the same behaviour as men with sports cars, but in a more rustic arena.

Martin Bishop, well-known around the Stourbridge area for his five foot-long girthy aubergines, said: “I only got a vegetable patch as a hobby. But once I found out I could make my produce absolutely f**king enormous it became a full-time job.

“It is crucial to me, psychologically, to grow the biggest aubergine of anyone in the metropolitan borough of Dudley. And that everyone admires my colossal gourd.

“If I don’t beat my nemesis in the county show this year – if my vegetable isn’t larger, plumper, with glistening, shiny purple skin – I’ll be a broken man for the next 12 months.”

Martin’s wife Carolyn said: “It’s wonderful for Martin that he can, through diligent effort, loving care and many solitary hours, finally be surprised and delighted by the size of something he’d grown.

“I hope he gets the blue ribbon and it makes up for his inability to maintain an erection. Which he shares with all the other blokes on the allotment. Don’t ask how I know.”