YOU are Kemi Badenoch and the microphones are hot. Can you manage a whole hour without spouting lunatic nonsense? Find out:
11am: you are asked an easy question about lightening the tax burden. How do you answer?
A) Launch into an attack on the minimum wage, claiming small businesses cannot afford staff and have the right not to pay them or indeed to pay tax, as should large corporations
B) Assert that maternity pay is inherently unjust, crippling businesses who would prefer simply to be able to fire pregnant women as they did in the 1890s without issue
11.20pm: an interviewer asks what went wrong for the Conservatives in the last election. What’s your response?
A) Blame civil servants, ten per cent of whom are career criminals who should be locked up for daring to oppose you by pointing out practical obstacles to your visionary policies and you’ve got a list, don’t worry about that
B) Blame the biased left-wing Marxist terrorist media hell-bent on destroying this country because why else would they offer anything but glowing praise? A crackdown on press freedom is a necessity and the Munchetty woman should be hung, drawn and quartered
11.40pm: a fellow MP gives you a wave. How do you react?
A) With extreme prejudice. Claim immediately that if you are not elected leader by 100 per cent of MPs and members that traitorous forces have illegally seized power and detail plans, already drawn up, for a military coup purging the ideologically unsound
B) Outline, furiously, your vision for Britain where the NHS is abolished, the BBC is shuttered, every right-thinking person carries a gun and the is EU decapitated by a lightning strike on Brussels to reduce the whole of Europe to a client state of the UK
11.59pm: someone coughs.
A) Pushed beyond reasonable endurance, you deliver a Downfall-style rant about laying waste to enemies both inside and outside the UK until you rule, proudly and justly, over a nuclear wasteland because a clean slate would be better than this
B) Tell the obvious truth that only landowners should have the vote and even then only in the south-east, listing your favourite dictatorships in order and praising their efficiency. Add that newsagents should be arrested and children forced to work and smoke fags.
ANSWERS
Mostly As: Sadly, your common-sense views have been misrepresented by the media to make it look as if your views are bizarre, abhorrent and hated by the majority. When they are not.
Mostly Bs: Sadly, there is no way that you, as Kemi Badenoch, are able to get through a whole hour without lapsing into an unhinged tirade about hidden enemies up to and including whoever’s bringing your tea. If you do not win the leadership in a landslide it is fixed.
