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Will he be president forever now? Your worst fears about Trump, questioned and confirmed

THE prospect of a second Trump presidency poses lots of terrifying questions. Here are your worst fears analysed and confirmed.

Will he be president forever now?

In theory: no. The 22nd Amendment means that a person can only be elected twice, regardless of whether those terms are in a row or not. In reality: Trump is deranged enough to pop the Constitution into a shredder and replace it with a sheet of paper that has ‘Trump 4eva’ scrawled on it in Sharpie. Only his natural life span prevents him from ruling for eternity, but Musk will probably find a way around that too.

Is that the climate f**ked then?

The environment wasn’t in rude health to begin with, and Trump’s promise to increase the production of US fossil fuels won’t exactly help. Ditching green energy and drilling for oil in the Arctic wilderness will hasten the climate’s decline, but maybe that’s a good thing? The sooner the planet becomes too hostile for human life, the sooner our successors can evolve. Hopefully the cockroach humanoids will learn from our mistakes.

Will America become a fascist state?

It’s dangerous to throw around the f-word as it weakens its meaning. Just because Trump holds rallies in front of dozens of dazzling flags topped with golden eagles, resorts to violent coups when he doesn’t get his way, and silences journalists who dare to disagree with him doesn’t mean America will become a fascist dictatorship. But all the planned deportations and abortion bans might do.

Does this mean Ukraine is toast?

Not necessarily. Trump has pledged to end the conflict with a tough deal that will get results in 24 hours. Of course nobody knows the ins and outs of this deal – including Trump himself, probably – so it remains to be seen how Ukraine would benefit. Either way, the country could definitely continue to survive as an idea or in history books.

Will nobody rescue Melania?

There may have been a time in the last four years when the Secret Service could have swooped into Trump’s Florida resort and saved her, but that window of opportunity has passed. Now the world has to look on helplessly as she scowls next to him on the world’s stage, sending coded messages about her captor through rhythmic blinks. She will never be free.

The sound of rutting foxes, and other inappropriate prompts for suggesting sex

INITIATING the act of love is a fine art. Don’t mess it up by taking your cue from any of the following.

The sound of rutting foxes

Foxes shagging noisily in your garden may create pangs of envy, but don’t be fooled into thinking your partner feels the same way. They already consider you to be a nocturnal pest so don’t reinforce the association. Cool yourself down by having a walk around the garden, perhaps grabbing something out of the bins for a midnight snack.

You’ve had a wash

If you’re attempting to get laid by walking into the bedroom wearing a towel and wiggling your eyebrows, you’ve gone wrong. This approach only highlights the fact that your genital cleanliness usually leaves something to be desired. For the long-term health of your sex life, don’t act as if good personal hygiene is only for special occasions.

Your partner tells you they can’t sleep

This isn’t code. This isn’t a sexy, enigmatic way of asking you to lick their nipples. It just means they’re overtired, stressed and can’t turn off their brain. Set aside all thoughts of orgasm and talk through their problems, asking how you can help. They’ll mutter ‘You can’t’ and then take themselves off to the bathroom for a relaxing wank.

There’s nothing on TV

Implying that physical intimacy is an entertainment of last resort is not a strategy most sex therapists would recommend. Besides, there’s always something good on TV these days. The main benefit to your partner of spending fifty quid a month on various streaming services is that they never have to think about the contents of your pants.

It’s your birthday

Begging for sex simply because you’ve aged is an unbecoming act of desperation. Your significant other bought you that expensive watch specifically so they wouldn’t have to go anywhere near your increasingly ancient privates, so don’t push your luck. And when it’s your partner’s birthday, give them a real treat by offering to sleep on the sofa.

Your partner has just received bad news

No matter what you tell yourself, attempting to console someone by selflessly offering to penetrate them is just icky. You’re simply not skilled enough at lovemaking to shag the grief out of anyone. Make them a nice cup of tea instead and help out with the admin, or just make yourself and your needy desires scarce.

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