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Why I actually had one billion nominations, by Boris Johnson

EVERYONE seems to think the reason I pulled out of the leadership race was because I didn’t get enough support. On the contrary, the truth is that I had too much.

After dashing home from my luxury holiday upon hearing the sycophantic siren call of Jacob Rees-Mogg, Nadine Dorries and some nutjobs on Twitter, I was sure I would be back in Downing Street on Friday. And I would have been, had my thoughtful, caring, empathetic side not kicked in.

Because, do you know what? I had actually had a lot more nominations than Rishi. Certainly more than his 150. Possibly up to a thousand. Maybe a million. Perhaps even a billion. Don’t tell me there aren’t that many MPs in the Conservative party. You just don’t know them. They go to a different Houses of Parliament.

But I didn’t want to embarrass Rishi by proving that I am still the most beloved person in the whole of the UK and the general public want me to be prime minister forever. I’m not that kind of guy. I’m humble. You could never accuse me of having a big head.

So instead, I’ve stood down incredibly gracefully, with just a small, snide suggestion that I’ll be back as leader by the time of the next election, which is definitely the kind of thing someone who wanted to unite the party would say.

So, for now, I’ll step aside and watch sniggering from the sidelines while Rishi struggles with the epic nightmares me and Liz have created for him. And then I’ll slither my way back into the pole position after he crashes and burns, and the halfwits of Britain are ready for a big Boris boost once again.

See you in 2024, baby! Now, excuse me, I’ve got a swimming pool and a piña colada to get back to.

Six 'pub classics' pubs always f**k up

FANCY eating out? Yearning for a stodgy feast? Avoid these ‘pub classics’ which no pub is capable of making: 

Fish and chips

How can anyone f**k this up? You take the fish, you take the chips, you dunk them into a fryer for a bit then chuck them on a plate and charge people £15. It’s foolproof. And yet pub chefs insist on adding extra steps where they leave the food to go cold and add a stale lemon slice on the side. Just go to a chippy next time.

Hunter’s chicken

This was always doomed to fail. Any dish that’s part of French cuisine was never going to carry over successfully to a pub menu. Instead of beautifully tender chicken wrapped in nice crispy bacon, you’ll be slung a stringy hunk of burnt meat that will give you food poisoning by odour alone. You’ll eat every bite though because you’re in a rough pub and don’t want to look ungrateful.

Curry

British people are not as attuned to good curry as they think they are. The most exciting spice they can handle is salt and they insist on diluting this extreme taste sensation with mountains of rice and stacks of poppadoms. It’s hardly the pub’s fault for butchering this fine cuisine, they’re just giving the dumb f**kers what they want. Although why they add peas, nobody knows.

Burger and chips

McDonald’s can churn this meal out without thinking about it, yet pubs work long and hard to bollocks it up. And not just the staple ingredients either. The salad will be tasteless, the buns will be stale, and the burger will be too big to fit into your mouth without unhinging your jaw. Worst of all, it’s served on a block of wood with a side-basket of chips.

Steak-and-ale pie

A traditional British meal which even has alcohol in it, surely a pub can’t f**k this? Guess again. It’ll be one of those disappointing fake pies which is a steep-sided dish with a pastry lid stretched over the top, and inside it’ll be more air than ale. A couple of packets of Scampi Fries would be more satisfying.

Anything vegan

Typically just vegetable substitutions of meaty meals that pubs couldn’t get right in the first place. Expect to be served burnt Linda McCartney briquettes optimistically referred to as ‘sausages’ and slabs of fried halloumi which completely miss the point. You’re too polite to return it though, so you’ll politely choke down your lack of morals with a smile.

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