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Which side will you be on in the civil war that won't happen? A quiz

THE UK is not about to erupt into civil war, but if it did which side would you be on? Find out with this quiz.

Where do you get all your news and information?

A) The BBC, The Guardian, maybe The i if I’m feeling a bit naughty. I’ve always been tempted by Good Morning Britain but I was conditioned not to watch ITV by my parents.

B) Twitter accounts with blue check marks, conspiracy theory forums on Reddit, and my drinking buddy Wayne who has the Union Flag tattooed on his face.

How would you describe your ethnicity?

A) Reluctantly white/ other.

B) (Chanting) white, white, white, white. Or aren’t I allowed to shout that into your face anymore?

What were you up to last Sunday?

A) Anxiously watching news of the riots while curled up in the foetal position and sucking my thumb. It’s all a bit much, isn’t it?

B) My lawyer has advised me not to answer that question. Next.

A crime has been committed, what do you assume about the suspect?

A) Nothing. I patiently wait for all the evidence to be compiled and verified before processing it. Like you’re supposed to.

B) Instantly jump to conclusions that reinforce my racist worldview. When my theories are debunked I double down and get a brick thrown at my bollocks.

What do you think of Elon Musk?

A) He’s a complete tech-bro douchebag whose own daughter has publicly turned against him with a damning tirade, which speaks for itself. Also his shit cars look wank.

B) He’s a genius who has foreseen civil wars for years. Sooner or later his prediction must come true and his towering intellect will be validated. Plus he went out with Grimes who I also fancy.

ANSWERS

Mostly As: Congratulations, you are on the side that would win the hypothetical civil war facing the UK. Not because you would make any difference personally, but because the opposition is a bunch of twats wearing hoodies and you have the army fighting on your behalf.

Mostly Bs: Unlucky, you’re on the losing side that would be clubbed into submission by riot police and surrender on day one. Don’t expect the ring-wing press or Nigel Farage to come to your rescue either, they’ve all covered their arses by abandoning you.

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'Wow, I love your funko pop collection': Six sentences no woman has ever said sincerely

DATING can be depressing, not least because women have to pretend to think men are fascinating in order to stroke their egos. If you hear any of these comments, understand that she is being wildly insincere:

Wow, I love your funko pop collection

Peacocks show off their colourful tail feathers in order to impress a potential mate, whereas you show off your worryingly large collection of these strange little dolls. Hearing his compliment from a woman you have, somehow, persuaded to enter your home makes much more sense when you realise it’s being said in the tone of a mother being presented with a shit stick drawing by her toddler.

You grew up with sisters? That’s so interesting

It’s your proof you’re a good guy as it was, after all, your very feminist decision to be given female siblings. She definitely wants to hear more on how you understand what menstruating is like. Yes, that’s really going to make her find you irresistibly attractive and not a bit of a twat.

Haha you’re hilarious

Spoken deadpan after you performed a Borat impression at a deafening volume and then waited for a compliment like a dog waiting for a biscuit. She’s laughing at you, not with you, and is mainly thinking about how she will spin this tragic excuse of a date into a funny anecdote for her mates.

Of course you’re not mansplaining

You’ve just spent 15 minutes drilling her on why the gender pay gap is imaginary. Just because you footnoted it with ‘sorry if I’m mansplaining’, does not mean her reassurance was not incredibly sarcastic. Not that you’d notice, as you’ve already started on a tedious lecture about how the George Lucas remasters of the original trilogy destroyed the franchise’s aesthetic texture.

Tell me more about your screenplay idea

It’s a win-win situation. You get to describe your movie, which you believe would eclipse all of Marvel, in painstaking detail. She only has to nod along, and gets a break to sink her pint and mentally transport herself to somewhere where a man isn’t telling her ‘he’s like Jack Ryan crossed with Indiana Jones, but with my personality’.

Sure, invite your friends

She gave up on the idea of having sex with you approximately four minutes into this date, so your adolescent idea to invite your pals to join you in the pub hasn’t lowered your chances any further, at least. It has, however, increased the chances of her shagging one of your mates instead.

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