YOUR MP, terrified of both an electorate that hates Boris Johnson and the newspapers that love him, will be hiding from a vote today. But where?
Rishi Sunak, member for Richmond (Yorks)
The prime minister will be avoiding the cameras on the south coast, wearing a suit and attempting to stop the boats. Like his global A-list celebrity peers, Sunak knows photographers can’t sell pictures exactly the same as yesterday, the week before and all bloody year. To this end he will be wearing those f**king boots again.
Bim Afolami, member for Hitchin and Harpenden
Blessed with obscurity already, Bim will spend today concealed in the Commons where even the whips aren’t sure if he’s an MP or a spad and it’’s too late to ask now. This is also how Bim plans to spend the next year and a half until the general election.
Nadine Dorries, member for Mid Bedfordshire
Schrödinger’s MP plans to sidestep questions about whether she can vote and what happened to all the Boris diehards and why she thinks she deserves a peerage by hiding in the last place anyone would think to look: a live show on Talk TV.
Antony Higginbotham, member for Burnley
Red Wall MP Antony will be hiding by travelling to a safe Conservative seat in Surrey where, as a Northerner, nobody will suspect him for a moment of being a Tory. He will also soak up the atmosphere of a safe Tory seat, so unlike cocking Burnley.
Andrea Leadsom, member for South Northamptonshire
The backbencher, who enjoyed brief notoriety in 2016 after being exposed as a lunatic, will continue to employ her natural defence mechanism of appearing toxic, repulsive and liable to nip children. If you hear her hissing, quicken your step.
Keir Starmer, member for Holborn and St Pancreas
The privately-educated Surrey-raised knight of the realm will be hiding in plain sight, in the House of Commons, voting for Boris Johnson’s censure as any decent Conservative who has not joined a death cult should. A thin veneer of red will barely obscure the blue beneath.
