What is gesture politics and what isn't: Priti Patel explains

Join Mash Premium today

Unlimited ad-free access, exclusive

stories and a free Mash book for

Annual and Lifetime

$5 / Month Less than a pint in a Middlesbrough Wetherspoons
  • Most flexible option
  • Cancel any time
$50 / Year Better value and makes you superior
  • Save 17% per year
$300 Live another 6 years and you're ripping us off
  • Pay once and that's it

Already a member? Sign in

Six of your precocious middle-class child's talents that are costing you a f**king fortune

YOUR delicate flower has gifts that money can’t buy, but getting those talents to blossom carries a hefty price tag:

An equipment-heavy sport

Sport’s great for kids to keep fit, learn discipline and get out in the fresh air. But anyone can do that. Instead archery, fencing, or riding a bloody tandem are what you’re shelling out hundreds every term for, with no health benefits whatsoever.

Playing the double bass

Or something equally huge and impractical with the weirdest arrangement of pipes and strings you’ve ever encountered. The music teacher claims your offspring has an innate natural talent for it even though you know he just clocked the size of your SUV.

Dance

You fell for this one assuming the only overheads would be a big studio with a mirrored wall. But then came the strange little shoes, and the costumes, and the second pair of strange little shoes because they wear out every month, didn’t you know?

A very specific art

Crayons are common. Jewellery-making, calligraphy and glass-blowing are far less common, with their rarity reflected in the price. And the cost of oil paints is, of course, why Van Gogh severed his ear.

Junior pasta-making

Not opening a can of Peppa Pig shapes and sticking them in the microwave, which would be helpful, but kneading and forming their own pasta like Sicilian peasants. Such a useful skill and only £280 for eight weeks.

Anything to do with a horse

You’re lucky if you can even find a way for a child to look at a horse for under a tenner. Riding one is like giving it a nosebag of £20s. And to own one? Why, you’ll never have money again.