KWASI Kwarteng has sought to reassure nervous financial markets by revealing that his controversial mini-budget was tried out on rats in laboratory conditions.
The chancellor said that the experiment was a resounding success, convincing him that it would be perfectly safe to inflict the policy on human beings.
Kwarteng said: “We wouldn’t be idiotic enough to announce something like this without first trying it out on rodents. That would be the height of fiscal irresponsibility.
“We took two samples of rats, one set fat and well-fed, the other skinny and famished. Rather than feed the hungry rats, we gave the fat ones extra food they didn’t need, doubling their portions.
“We thought this would be better for the skinny rats than giving them direct handouts. Sure enough, we were right.
“The fat rats were so bloated and full that they regurgitated the extra food. The famished rats then gratefully ate it, and before long were as well as could be expected on a diet of partially digested seeds and nuts. It’s trickle down economics in action.
“So you see, the problem is not with our policy. It’s with with human beings. They should learn to be more like rats. They’re very intelligent creatures, you know. Probably more intelligent than any of us in government. Impressive, really.”
