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Trump administration to give Farage his own kennel

DONALD Trump’s transition team has already secured a kennel and water bowl for Nigel Farage to use when he visits America.

Having proven his worth by barking ‘MAGA’ on command and obediently performing tricks at Trump’s rallies, Farage will be given his own dog house to shelter in during his many future trips to the White House.

Republican party spokesperson Norman Steele said: “In an ideal world he’ll wish he was curled up in bed with the President himself. We can’t allow that though as he’ll get hair everywhere and stink out the place.

“A small wooden kennel at the far end of the White House Rose Garden is the next best thing. He can stay in there and longingly gaze at his owners doing their important work in the Oval Office while gnawing on an old bone we’ll get him from the butchers.

“We won’t neglect him though. At least twice a day we’ll pop him on a lead for a walk and so he can do his business in a bush. Then once he’s worn out he can sleep on the top of his kennel like Snoopy.”

Panting excitedly, Farage said: “Can I hump Trump’s leg? Can I?”

My year has been so hard it's been almost like one of yours, says William

THE Prince of Wales has confessed that his 2024 has been so difficult it has almost hit the level of an ordinary Briton’s year.

William told press that his suffering has been so extreme that for the first time he could sympathise with a middle-manager from Woking who just wants to lose herself in the escapism of Strictly Come Dancing.

He said: “What I’ve been through since February has brought me closer to my subjects. I can almost understand how they can view a lunchtime trip to Greggs as ‘a treat’.

“When your father and wife are ill, as mine have been, you feel hopeless. You feel as if you have no future. And it’s been a great comfort to me to know that’s how the majority of people in this country feel every single day.

“Instead of waking to a day of infinite possibilities, I woke with dread in my stomach. I was grumpy, I was moody. I snapped at my servants just as I imagine you do.

“In such a situation you reach for anything. There were times when I almost wanted to visit the Bluewater shopping centre, load up on mass-produced clothing and watch a film starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson at a multiplex. That’s how low I’d sunk.

“I don’t know how you stand it, I really don’t. I’ve never been more thankful to be so effortlessly superior to the common man. Don’t speak to me or touch me.”

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