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TL;DR: the Conservatives, Grenfell report concludes

THE Grenfell Tower Inquiry final report has saved the nation from trawling through its tragic pages by ending with a summary blaming the Conservative government. 

Having considered all variables, from the highly flammable cladding to the response of the fire brigade, the report finishes with an easily digestible conclusion which places ultimate responsibility for the fire on the Tories in power at the time.

Spokesperson Martin Bishop said: “Hardly a surprise twist of an ending, I’m afraid. But the facts don’t lie.

“Yes, cladding of tower blocks began under Blair, but it was under Cameron regulation was slashed because health and safety culture had ‘gone mad’. It was the Tories who cut local authority budgets by 40 per cent.

“The nuanced web of blame involving multinationals, architects and builders is all there in black and white if you fancy having a read, but it’s grim stuff. Even compared to the high bar set by the Partygate and Post Office inquiries it’s punishingly bleak.

“The Tories cut regulations, stopped inspecting buildings, took profiteering building assurances as gospel, ignored residents and underfunded fire crews. There are a thousand incompetents but only one big, predictable bad here.

Bishop concluded: “TL;DR, the Conservatives.”

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Never say 'chav' again: how to atone for watching Jeremy Kyle religiously as a student

GUFFAWING at morons on The Jeremy Kyle Show was your morning routine for years, though it was as morally defensible as bear-baiting. Here’s how to show your penitence: 

Boycott exploitation TV

While the Golden Age of television that brought us Too Fat To Sign On is over, exploitation continues with Married at First Sight and Baby Reindeer. Swear never to let them dance before your eyes and only watch wholesome TV like Animal Park, even if you couldn’t give a f**k about Kate Humble or sick giraffes.

Never say ‘chav’ again

Already a controversial term, classist or maybe even racist. Also a brilliantly succinct way of describing tracksuited ASBO twats and fat long-term unemployed women ranting about immigrants and paedos. It’s a sad loss to your vocabulary, but penance means personal sacrifice.

Eat from Iceland once a week

The diet of Kyle’s guests has yet to be scrutinised, but the adverts told a sorry story of £1 pizzas and party prawn rings. One day a week of low-fibre, connective tissue gunk will prove your regret is genuine and increase your empathy with the underclass. It will also make your life shorter, like theirs.

Be appreciative of your extended family

You’re dismissive of your boring accountant cousin Lucy, or Auntie Sandra and her curious racial theories, but compared to a Jeremy Kyle line-up you’ve been gifted the von Trapps. Your brother-in-law Jeff might be a bit of a sales twat with a sales twat’s Audi, but he’s never stolen your iPhone to buy heroin or shagged your mum.

Donate White Lightning to a food bank

Perpetuates the stereotype of benefits claimants drinking extra-strength cider, which is bad. But after watching hundreds of episodes of Kyle you know in your heart that if there was one thing the guests wanted, it was a big bottle of vaguely apple-flavoured 8.4 per cent loony juice.

Help the less well-off

Kyle preyed on the underprivileged like Jack the Ripper. Right the wrongs you supported by donating to help struggling families. Do it through a charity rather than approaching them directly in case they invite you in and you get nits and have to drink out of a filthy mug.

Never watch Jeremy Kyle again

If you’ve come across Jeremy’s show on Talk TV, the now entirely web-based disgraced presenter rehabilitation scheme, you’ll know that gone are the hilariously labyrinthine family disputes and deadbeat dads being restrained by bouncers. Now it’s just Kyle parroting tedious right-wing talking points. Never did you imagine you’d say ‘Jeremy Kyle? Nah, it’s nowhere near as good as it used to be.’

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