IF your bin goes uncollected or your train is cancelled, Britain demands those responsible are shot as communists. If these non-key workers withdraw labour, nobody gives a shit:
Social media managers
There are memes all over the internet because knobheads make them for free. Some of them are even funny. So nobody would miss, or even notice the absence of, the embarrassingly try-hard ones from the official Westlers Hot Dog account. No, not even when you start a shit flame war with the Captain Birdseye account.
Stockbrokers
With roles that involve following an algorithm while high on machismo and cocaine, brokerages are an adult creche for corporate wankers. Society wouldn’t be lessened even slightly if they were to strike. It could help high-end gambling addicts realise they hit rock bottom years ago.
Call centre workers
The labours of Hercules, if written today, would include ‘trying to get through to a human when calling a company’. Not that they’re any f**king help when you do. And they’re always ‘experiencing an unusually high number of calls’ so having no staff would make no difference.
HR
HR walking out? Who will do bugger all when you have a problem with your boss now? You’ll only notice they’ve gone after a few pleasant days without bullshit emails clogging your inbox. Meanwhile they’re picketing the wrong entrance because they know nothing about how the business runs.
Brand compliance consultants
‘Better run this past brand,’ someone says, whenever anyone does anything. They’re emailed and never reply, as usual. It’s assumed it’s because they’re too busy earning £80k a year for a made-up role, but actually they’re all on strike for better pay and conditions. Perhaps they’ll never come back.
Government ethics advisers
The head of the department’s already gone, so the rest of them call a wildcat strike to protest his resignation. A room in Whitehall is deprived of six civil servants throwing Wotsits at each other and writing reports that go straight in the bin. Even Jacob Rees-Mogg doesn’t check these pricks are working.
