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Budget assigns £3bn to Brexit, £6bn to bullshit, and £12bn to total and utter bollocks

THE government has promised £3 billion in funding for Brexit, a further £6 billion for bullshit, and an unprecedented £12 billion for utter fucking bollocks.

Chancellor Philip Hammond announced the incredible £21bn giveaway in yesterday’s budget to cheers from hardline Tories fanatically committed to anything that makes no sense whatsover.

Mary Fisher, member for Worcestershire West, said: “It’s fantastic to see the chancellor finally putting money into the wheelbarrows of complete cock which really matter to my constituents.

“I can’t tell you how often they’ve come in spouting absolute shit and demanding we make it our top priority, and finally the funding is there to do so.

“It looked very much as if we were heading in that direction when we gave a billion pounds to the DUP, but I did have my doubts about Hammond. He seemed too determined to stay rational.

“Thankfully bullshit has won the day, and the chancellor has bravely charted a course to the future of unadulterated and unmitigated balls which is every patriotic Briton’s birthright.”

First-time buyers advised to not bother

ANYONE struggling to buy a house has been advised to give the whole nightmare as wide a berth as possible.

Rising house prices and stricter lending criteria mean that tens of thousands may never know the abject misery of being chained to a mortgage for the next 25 years.

Property expert Carolyn Ryan said: “Imagine seeing on the news that banks had decided to raise their interest rates and not giving the slightest shit about it. That was all of us, once.

“Unfortunately, if you were foolish enough to believe the hype, you’re now the proud owner of a house you don’t want, somewhere you don’t want to live, with someone you don’t want to live with.

“But at least your family can sell it to pay for your care when you’re old.”

Homeowner Joseph Turner said: “People moan about renting from landlords who don’t want to spend a penny on maintaining a dilapidated property as it falls down around them.

“But when you buy a house, you are that landlord. The heating breaks? It’s your problem. The roof leaks? Your problem. You cannot imagine the depths of my self-loathing.

“Certainly you’re free to paint the walls purple, though. If that’s your idea of a good time, go on and buy a fucking house.”

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