subscribe
/ Sign Out

Nothing but the courts, the opposition, the cost and a general election can stop me now, laughs power-mad Sunak

THE prime minister, drunk on power, has proudly declared that nothing except several very real hurdles now stand in the way of the Rwanda bill.

Having finally passed a law that will likely never come into effect and could easily be scuppered by several opposing forces, a maniacal Rishi Sunak has cackled that he essentially now has God-like power over the country’s borders.

The swivel-eyed prime minister said: “Everyone said the Rwanda plan would never happen. And it still hasn’t. But whatever, I feel like the king of the f**king world right now.

“All I’ve got to do is desperately cling to power for 12 weeks, scrape together a few hundred mill, and somehow outsmart the European Court of Human Rights. How hard can all that be? Nothing an awkward, last-minute press conference can’t deal with, surely.

“I’m already looking ahead to all the other mad, indefensible shit I’ll be doing once the first fleet of planes takes off. For starters I’ll replace tap water with Coke and exile everyone with anxiety or depression. Then it’s time to upgrade my job title. ‘Supreme Infallible Excellency Sunak’ has a nice ring to it.

“Just you wait. Compared to my plans to declare war on Wales and build a wall in the channel, the Rwanda bill will sound like a remarkably sane idea.”

Is it a coincidence that everyone suddenly finds the 'love of their life' when they’re 35, tired and desperate? 

PEOPLE suddenly finding love when they are 35, exhausted and unable to afford a house may not just be a big coincidence, experts have confirmed.

Those who are increasingly panicky about the approach of middle age and have just had a difficult meeting with their bank manager are more likely to magically fall head over heels in love with the next person they happen to set eyes on.

Tom Logan, 36, said: “Every man reaches the stage of his life where he’s had enough of playing the field and looks for that one special person he wants to share the rest of his mortgage with. As soon as Emma walked in the restaurant, I said excitedly to myself: ‘She’ll do’.”

Emma Bradford, 35, said: “The first time I saw Tom, I thought, ‘I wouldn’t mind seeing his two-bedroom flat in Walthamstow’. I couldn’t wait to get to know that cute apartment within convenient walking distance of local amenities. And he has such a big balcony, I gasped with pleasure when he whispered its length to me.”

Dating expert Donna Sheridan said: “As we enter our mid-30s, certain things become less important, like status, profession, humour, looks, sex appeal, personality and whether a potential partner is currently wanted for a crime.

“Two single people meet, share a moment of connection, and then whisper those three little words: ‘Yeah, fine, whatever’.”

Next story ›