THE Olympics are here, and with them a host of events you have never before heard of which prove captivating viewing. What’s your favourite? 

Carolyn Ryan, restructuring specialist: “I’ve found this Strictly business upsetting, so I’m looking forward to 14-year-olds contorting their bodies in the gymnastics. Their trainers aren’t cruel.”

Sophie Rodriguez, barista: “Artistic swimming. Pretty sure ‘artistic’ means ‘naked’ in this context.”

Wayne Hayes, tunneller: “BMX Freestyle Girl-Impressing: bunny hops, wheelies, every stunt it takes to get a teenager girl to go out with you. In 1985 I would have run that shit. ”

Donna Sheridan, antiques dealer: “Simply for the sheer amount of money you need to take it up, Equestrian Sailing. The contestants are the richest of the rich.”

Roy Hobbs, retired: “Every year I miss the pie-eating event. I swear the BBC doesn’t show it.”