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Matt Hancock's Oh Shit My WhatsApps Have Been Released Diaries

THE second volume of Matt Hancock’s diaries, covering when he found out his WhatsApps had been leaked, comes out today. These are the highlights:

March 1st, 2023

Wake up to find my face all over the news, presumably because the NFTs I launched have skyrocketed in value. That’s the Hancock effect! Sing Rocket Man, replacing ‘rocket’ with ‘Hancock’, in the shower.

Also March 1st, 2023

Gina, the love of my life, who I am so passionate about it doesn’t matter I was married when we met or that I gave my wife long Covid, informs me that it’s nothing to do with my NFTs and my WhatsApps have been released. ‘For sale?’ I ask, hopefully.

Still March 1st, 2023

It turns out the journalist I worked with on my diaries, a rabidly partisan right-winger and anti-lockdown fanatic, was not to be trusted. My personal messages are being published by the Daily Telegraph and everyone knows I killed their grandmother. This could get me on Dancing On Ice.

Continuing March 1st, 2023

Furious, I call Isabel Oakeshott and end up apologising to her. She was right, I shouldn’t have given her my WhatsApp password. It was irresponsible. I ask what’s going to be revealed in the next few days and she reassures me it won’t be anything that could damage Boris.

Later on March 1st, 2023

Britain seems to have decided I was solely to blame for the 43,256 deaths in care homes, ignoring the fact that many of the people I hired from my local pub were simply incompetent. Is that my fault? It would be like blaming the prime minister for appointing me.

Watching This Morning, March 1st, 2023

It looks like I’ll be carrying the can for this whole debacle alone. My openness, the level of recognition I have with the public, and my willingness to accept my fair share of blame means I’m on the hook for Covid, lockdown, and the needless deaths of millions. That’s the Hancock effect! WhatsApp Isobel about the diaries volume three.

How to be a completely f**king dimwitted armchair detective

ARE you, one person with a laptop, more likely to solve a crime than hundreds of experienced police officers? Obviously ‘yes’. Here’s how to go about it.

Watch too many true crime documentaries

The best armchair detective gorges themselves on a diet of real-life true crime stories. They reckon an obsession with perplexing Netflix documentaries and grisly podcasts is basically the same as extensive police training, if not better, because you aren’t fettered by annoying things like procedure, protocols or reality.

Spend too much time on social media

Once they’ve mainlined enough sensationalist murder shows, the armchair detective needs someone to discuss their incredibly clever theories with. Luckily social media is awash with similar twats only too keen to join in. If only the police stopped wasting their time with things like forensic analysis and went on Twitter. The crime rate would plummet.

Enjoy analysing weird details that mean nothing

Armchair detectives are experts in a variety of specialisms, such as body language and psychology. Their intensive training consists of watching hours of rolling news coverage. ‘The jogger who found the body blinked far too much when making that statement,’ they’ll declare, as if they’re watching Columbo, not a real person who has experienced a traumatic event and could react in any number of ways.

Be stupidly confident in your opinions

Being sure someone is guilty beyond reasonable doubt is a vital pillar of the British justice system, but one that doesn’t matter to the armchair detective. They will decide who did it then turn up at the crime scene and livestream themselves ‘revealing’ the perpetrator. When they’re arrested for wasting police time, it’s obviously a cover-up that goes ‘right to the top’.

Never apologise when you are inevitably wrong

Even though the armchair detective is convinced they’ve solved a crime because they’ve watched Making A Murderer three times, they will inevitably always be wrong. But that won’t lead them to consider whether they should get a new hobby. They’ll ignore their failures and move on to the next crime. This is all they have in common with the real police.

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