BORIS Johnson is planning one last epic scandal to shock and disgust the nation before leaving Number 10, it has emerged.
While appearing to have been holidaying for the last few weeks, the prime minister has been busily working on a climactic outrage that will act as a crowning achievement and grotesque metaphor for his time in power.
A Downing Street spokesperson said: “This is the finale of Boris’s idiotic career, so expect something big. There’ll be nods to his previous f**k-ups to keep longtime fans happy, plus gratuitous titillation and massive explosions to appeal to the masses.
“In comparison his previous scandals will seem trivial. Future historians will look at Partygate, Chris Pincher, lying to the Queen and unlawfully proroguing parliament, shacking up with Jennifer Arcuri and the Owen Paterson affair as the works of an amateur still honing his craft. It’ll even eclipse the Cameron pig story.
“Obviously I can’t give anything away, but let’s just say you won’t be able to look at garden gnomes in the same way again. When the first shipping container of coked-up nuns is found in Dover, you’ll know it’s begun.”
Carrie Johnson added: “I’m going to be impregnated with octuplets to distract from this one.”
