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I'd have got the train but they're shit, says Sunak

RISHI Sunak says the reason he used a private jet for a 36-minute flight to Leeds is because someone has made the UK’s railways absolutely terrible.

After being criticised for flying the 200 miles from London to visit a hospital, the prime minister said he did not have much choice if he wanted to arrive on time, or at all.

Sunak said: “Yeah, it would have only taken two and a half hours by train, but have you tried to get one lately? They’re either late or cancelled, or there’s yet another strike on.

“What’s happened to our rail network? Can’t somebody fund it properly or something? Who’s been in charge of this for the past decade or so? And why are the staff walking out all the time? Someone should have a word with them, find out what’s going on.

“I wonder who’s in charge of all of this? Like, who has final say over stuff like transport infrastructure and pay negotiations? Whoever it is, they should bloody well pull their finger out and get it sorted, the useless bastard.”

He added: “The other reason, of course, is that I’m a multi-millionaire and I don’t like to travel with the plebs. They have fleas and diseases.”

Is your dog an idiot?

THE stupidest breeds of dog have been announced, but is your imbecile of a man’s best friend among them? Find out: 

Spaniel

What’s worse than a half-wit? An enthusiastic, eager-to-please halfwit, determined to delight you by f**king up your whole life. That’s a spaniel, bouncing around like a Space Hopper without the intelligence, breaking your stuff and hoping for praise.

Bulldog

Entirely as thick as they f**king look, the bulldog is muscular, athletic, has a protruding jaw and deep-set eyes, but sadly the resemblance to the bouncer at a provincial nightclub ends there. It wouldn’t even be able to identify sports casual clothing. As a symbol for Britain? Apt.

Border Terrier

Of that special subnormal IQ that causes the cretin to believe the whole world revolves around them, these unpleasantly yappy twats cannot hear the postman arrive without being overwhelmed by the stimuli and going apeshit. Short man syndrome in a dog.

Bloodhound

Interestingly, only able to follow scents for long distances by being such dumbf**ks they’re barely aware the rest of the world exists. Miserably-jowled with lightless eyes and stupidly large ears, owning one is an admission you need something in this world to feel superior to.

Pug

You can’t be clever with a face like that. Attempting to train a pug not to shit in the kitchen is an exercise in idiocy: you’re stupid for trying it, the pug’s too stupid to understand, the entire world is slightly more moronic for it going on.

Border Collie

Considered intelligent, but it’s a very specific kind of intelligence. The kind that’s useful on a farm herding sheep but not the kind that ever learns what a car is or why the passing of one doesn’t require a state of high alert. Imagine inviting a farmer into your home to watch Pointless. Would he do well? Exactly.

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