subscribe
/ Sign Out

Woman completing tax return can't wait to see how the government wisely spends it

A SELF-EMPLOYED woman completing her tax return is eager to find out how this unimpeachable government will best use her hard-earned money.

Freelancer Helen Archer confidently logged her earnings over the year on HMRC secure that every penny she pays will go towards funding the NHS, helping the elderly and providing for her and her descendants in the future.

Helen explained: “Sure, the Johnson government spaffed £229 million on Lady Mone’s shite PPE, but they’re gone. So I’m not cynical about awarding them thousands of my pounds.

“Whether they’re spending it on cutting tax, needless Brexit costs or letting Liz Truss have a go at steering the country, they’re making wise decisions that benefit everyone except striking nurses and postmen.

“And if I’m paying this much, companies like Apple and Amazon must be paying billions. It makes it easy to fork over my meagre thousands knowing Jeff Bezos is stumping up his fair share. I bet he hasn’t got the heating on, either.

“I’m not the biggest fan of tax, but so long as we continue to get so much in return that it’s practically full-blown communism, I won’t complain.”

Cornwall no wiser as to what space is

FOLLOWING the failed launch of a satellite mission from Cornwall, the people of the county are still oblivious as to what space is.

Outer space remains a mystery to the Cornish after American Virgin Orbit’s rocket failed to successfully launch from the duchy’s spaceport in Newquay yesterday evening.

Pilchard fisherman Tom Logan said: “So not only is the earth flat, but there’s a roof on it? I always suspected.

“They did it at night so as not to hit the sun going past, I know that, but if this doesn’t prove there’s nothing above the cloud but God’s firmanent I don’t know what does.”

Cafe owner Mary Fisher said: ““My hunch is that space is like the sea: dark, dangerous, and populated with strange leviathans and merpeople who lure unsuspecting astronauts to their death.

“They say rockets have already put satellites up there, but not round here they haven’t. Yes GPS works, but that’s operated by piskies to lure tourists to their deaths or my tea-room.”

Carolyn Ryan of Devon said: “Hardly surprising those benighted shitwits couldn’t launch a rocket. We’d get one up there from Plymouth no problem.”

Next story ›