subscribe
/ Sign Out

'I like a woman that knows how to carry a sword': Britain's problematic boner for Penny Mordaunt

ADMIRERS of the MP for Portsmouth North lost in fantasies of her and the Jewelled Sword of Offering have explained their helpless arousal. All names changed: 

Bill McKay, aged 64, Wrexham

I didn’t used to think I had a type. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, all were welcome as far as I was concerned. The Coronation changed all that. Now I know only a woman bearing a sword while scowling imperiously works.

The sight of her hefting that heavy blade had me harder than I’ve been since 1994. I knew it was wrong but that only fuelled my lust. Then the camera cut to Truss causing my member to shrivel up like fried spinach.

Denys Finch-Hatton, aged 56, of Richmond

As a man of refined erotic tastes, my head was not turned by the cheap thrill of Penny Mordaunt wielding a sword with magisterial dignity. Instead I was drawn to her attire.

A teal-shade cape with embroidered golden ferns and matching hat? I could scarcely believe the BBC would broadcast such filth before the watershed. It made Pippa Middleton’s arse look like a hessian sack of potatoes.

I expect we have the King to thank. He knows these events can drag on a bit, so he included something for the dads. God bless you, your majesty.

Mary Fisher, aged 60, of Leeds

I’ve spent my life in denial. It’s not men I’m attracted to. It’s blondes with terrific upper body strength holding swords aloft ready to strike.

All those years I wasted being married twice when all I wanted was to be dominated. For a woman to strut down the centre aisle of my heart, blade raised, ready to strike.

I’ve told my husband the physical side of our marriage is over and that I am Penny’s now. I’ve written to her and told her we need to be together. In the meantime I’m getting by wanking to Game of Thrones. 

What the f**k happened behind those screens: an expose

DURING the key moments of Saturday’s Coronation ceremony screens were erected around the King. Here’s what really happened behind them: 

Easing of the Ferret

When proclaimed King in the North in 944AD, Edmund of Wessex agreed that at every Coronation the ruler must lead the procession with a ferret down his trousers, for a laugh. Eschewed in 1953 for the protection of the Queen’s treasures, the tradition was revived and the Wigan-born black ferret was removed, thanked and its neck ceremonially broken.

Giving of the Vs

After a taxing morning of waving at mere subjects lining the streets and pretending assorted digitaries and freeloaders are of importance, the King and the Archbishop took a moment in privacy to flick V-signs at all the cretins who will never be as good as them. The Anglican prelate, depending on strength of feeling, may also have exposed his bare arse.

His Majesty’s Bong Hits

A spectacle like the Coronation, as many younger viewers can attest, is immeasurably improved by being so stoned you can barely blink. And, his buzz having worn off in the coach, King Charles hit the Blueberry Haze in a golden waterpipe studded with emeralds gifted to his ancestor after the Anglo-Persian War of 1856-57.

The Ritual of Drop and Cough

As happens behind screens in the GP’s surgery, Charles was required to disrobe. Constitutionally obliged to a medical to prove his fitness to be King, the monarch removed his clothing and allowed a stranger to cup his scrotum while he gave a discreet cough. A swift check of the Royal prostate and his clothes were popped back on.

The Replacing of the Monarch

The floor descended, and the human actor playing Charles was replaced by the nine-foot lizard from the Arcturus system who is our true ruler. Anointed and promised his pick of human babies to snack upon, he returned to the hollow earth where everyone agreed it was a marvellous occasion and doesn’t it make you proud.

Next story ›