JEREMY Hunt is to reassure the markets with a mini-statement on where Liz Truss is being held and the security of the restraints used.
The chancellor of the exchequer, who on Thursday was just some prick and is now running the country, will calm the markets and Britain by detailing exactly how difficult it would be for the prime minister to escape.
He said: “First, there’s the straitjacket and muzzle, each held with solid titanium German locks. The keys have been destroyed.
“The bunker below Downing Street, where Truss will remain sealed, has walls of reinforced concrete eight feet thick. The vents are too small for even a child to wriggle through. The door is sealed from the outside and has been welded shut.
“Guards loyal only to the Bank of England work in shifts outside, all deaf-mutes. There is no way Truss can leak even one destabilising, currency-crash-causing word to the economy.
“She will remain there, and remain prime minister, for the remainder of her term in office. This is in the best interests of the Conservative party and the country.”
Hunt is expected to be found dead in his office with his throat gnawed open tomorrow morning, and the bunker will be empty.
