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How to rip a dickhead a new arsehole, by Susanna Reid

WANT to hold arseholes to account? No-nonsense Good Morning Britain presenter Susanna Reid shows you how: 

Prepare

You wouldn’t run a marathon without training, so you shouldn’t take on the country’s biggest twat without practice. I’ve been honing my craft for years by sitting next to a succession of shit-for-brains blowhards so my derisive tone and Paddington-style hard stares are ready. And my endurance for being cut off by knobheads has never been higher.

Interview them on TV

Humiliating a dickhead is all well and good, but what’s the point if nobody sees it? For maximum damage, make sure you’re the presenter of a morning news programme. This way the whole nation will witness the destruction of the prick, and with any luck it will influence the upcoming local election they were clearly trying to salvage.

Ask probing questions

Dickheads tend to avoid scrutiny by hiding in fridges or only agreeing to appear on the BBC. But ITV is like international waters: anything goes. You can even get away with asking them about what a 77-year-old pensioner should cut back on to afford the cost of living. ‘High-wage, high-skilled jobs’ is apparently the answer.

Let them speak

Putting tricky questions to dickheads is only part of the battle. Your secret weapon is actually letting them answer and watching in fascination as they f**k up. For me witnessing the prime minister gloat about giving starving pensioners free bus passes is better than sex.

Call them out on their bullshit

Finish your opponent by holding them to account on their bollocks. It helps if you build up to your killing blow with an opening question that can be referred back to to add insult to injury. You might almost feel a glimmer of remorse as you look down on their utterly defeated corpse, but remember: the dickhead deserves it.

Wills and Kate's guide to the horrors of house hunting

HOUSE hunting? Sick of endless viewings and being outbid? The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge know exactly how you feel. Here they explain their woes: 

Wills: The problem with period properties is finding somewhere small enough. There are hundreds of rooms at Ken Palace. We try to stick to 20, but are we really getting any use out of the sixth reception room? It’s full of old polo mallets.

Kate: As a frugal recycler who thinks nothing of wearing the same outfit four times in a decade, I want to live according to my needs. But you’d be surprised how few cottages have eight bedrooms and a double-height music loft.

Wills: If there’s one thing that boils my blood it’s gazumping. We were exchanging contracts on a great little 40-bedroom mansion when a Saudi jumped in with an extra £30 million and we were back at square one. I think we’ve all been there. Though not everyone’s Uncle Andy trousered half a million from the deal.

Kate: My pet hate has to be misleading descriptions from estate agents. One place apparently was ‘convenient for local amenities’ while being 21 miles from Harvey Nichols. Another one? Used a fish-eye lens to make the ballroom look enormous. So disappointing.

Wills: We keep finding places that seem perfect but just have that one thing wrong with them. We saw a stately home in Hampshire, plenty of room for the kids, horses and protection officers, but it didn’t have its own grouse moor.

Kate: I loved that place, but it’s a deal-breaker if your kids can’t blast unsuspecting wildlife to bits with a shotgun.

Wills: The big problem for buyers right now are insanely inflated prices. The price of a deer park has gone sky high. How are younger royals meant to take their first step on a life of sickening privilege?

Kate: Especially in London. Wills and I work tirelessly at activities that serve no useful purpose and we’d still struggle to afford even 80 acres in Mayfair.

Wills: But don’t give up on finding your dream home. We’ve finally found the perfect place for our family, Adelaide Cottage. It just took persistence, being open-minded, and telling Eugenie to piss off out of it.

Kate: It will all work out so try to keep your spirits up. You don’t have to settle. You will find your dream home in a private park for taxpayers to refurbish. Also I fancy one of these spare oligarch yachts.

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