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Five things Brexiters would have been happy with instead of this b*llocks

AS Brexit enters new levels of tedium, are you wondering if there might have been a simpler way to keep xenophobic Leavers happy? Here are some suggestions.

National ‘F*ck Off Germany’ Day

Encouraging xenophobia is horrible, but compared to Brexit maybe we should have placated jingoistic twats with a day of Spitfire fly-bys and TV channels just showing The Great Escape. Even Angela Merkel would probably agree, just to have avoided all this hassle.

A different national tabloid obsession 

Many Brexiters are the same people who loved tabloid obsessions like ‘dole scroungers’ and ‘paedos’. Therefore they need a new stupid thing to be furious about. If the right-wing press got behind it, Britain’s most pressing issue could be pigeons sh*tting on your lawn. 

Giving Britain a 1950s makeover

We could have given woolly-minded nostalgists things that make 2019 feel like 1951: really uncomfortable, rickety buses; fiddly coupons to buy food; and a traditional ‘Bobby on the beat’ who is actually an unemployed actor. 

Have a war 

Brexiters like WW2 and wars do indeed bring people together, except if you’re dead, in which case you miss out a bit. Given Britain’s troubled military status we’d need to invade somewhere we could definitely beat, eg. Tonga. Re-attacking the Falklands would also be popular and carry minimal risk.

Actually dealing with their grievances 

Britain should have addressed the very real problems of people with genuine grievances. Oh. Hang on. That doesn’t give Brexiters a pleasing sense of victimhood at the hands of all the foreign b*stards. Forget about that one.

Hideous alcohol combinations to try and pass off as cocktails

ARE you a semi-alcoholic who enjoys classy cocktail drinking but hasn’t bothered getting all the stuff in? Try these foul concoctions: 

Ginsecco

On the face of it, gin topped up with prosecco seems like a sophisticated affair but ultimately you’re using reasonably strong alcohol as a mixer for very strong alcohol. You have a problem.

Calimocho

A favourite with Spanish teenagers, this combination of red wine and cola essentially involves mixing two horrible drinks together to create one drink so very horrible that it ends up being oddly palatable. Plus it’s got a cosmopolitan name.

The Minesweeper

This is made by creeping around a party tipping the dregs of abandoned drinks into a pint glass of brown, murky liquid that gives you a hangover just looking at it. It’s disgusting but the name is cool, so people will think it’s a fashionable beverage rather than the reason tramps hang around beer gardens.

Sangrouzo

Take sangria and ouzo, exotic drinks evocative of European city breaks, and mix. The perfect cocktail for getting so sh*tfaced on day one of your holiday that you spend the rest of it in bed recovering from alcohol poisoning and sunburn.

Jägerbomb

This, in theory, is a legitimate cocktail even though it looks and tastes like urine from the Devil’s dick and turns people into lunatics. However, it can only have been invented by accidentally dropping one into the other and drinking it anyway, so it’s on the list.

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