Farage doesn't have what it takes to lead The Nigel Farage Party In Association With Nigel Farage Starring Nigel Farage, claims foreigner

ELON Musk has advised Reform, a party owned by, starring and entirely built around Nigel Farage, that Nigel Farage should go. 

The billionaire, while maintaining his rigorous narcotic regimen, surprised many yesterday by tweeting that Farage ‘doesn’t have what it takes’ to lead a party which is essentially a giant racist statue built in the image of Nigel Farage’s face.

Nathan Muir of Hitchin said: “If Farage isn’t up to leading Reform, he’s f**ked. It couldn’t be more Farage if it had gestated in his ballsack.

“Who would replace him? Two Farages? Six? They can barely muster enough candidates without previous convictions for racially aggravated assault as it is. And surely it’s natural he and Tommy Robinson have a bitter rivalry, like bigoted peacocks with swastika tails.”

Farage said: “Like Farage by Nigel Farage, the fragrance I launched at Christmas which is the top-seller in the over-60s men category – not that the media’s bothered to report it – Reform is I, and I am Reform.

“Mr Musk, who I praised as a hero as recently as yesterday morning and who I believed was about to give me £100 million pounds because we had been photographed together, is sadly misguided on this issue.

“I am Reform just as I was formerly UKIP. Trump understands. He doesn’t really believe anyone but him exists either.”

Woman wakes up to realisation she hates every item of clothing she owns

A WOMAN has sprung out of bed spontaneously filled with a primal disgust for every garment in her wardrobe and the compulsion to replace them. 

Eleanor Shaw, returning to work for the first time since Christmas Eve, opened her wardrobe and felt nothing but loathing, disgust and an overwhelming sense of anger at the hopelessly inadequate clothes, coats, and even shoes that confronted her.

She said: “And I’m expected to wear this shit? In 2025?

“That dress looks like a filthy potato sack soaked in a puddle on the hard shoulder of the M42 for months. I put it on and looked like a roadkill Womble. I tried the other one but it made me resemble my mother, which is far worse.

“Desperate, I pulled on trousers which morphed into shapeless slugs, hugging my hindquarters like a fresh coat of dung. Skirts looked like rags Les Misérables pulled out of the filthy Seine. The cardigan I got in November made me recoil.

“Just as I was piling hideous clothing on my bed in a sacrificial pyre, which I would light to heat my raw, unclothed form, the postman arrived with all the Vinted shit I ordered drunk at New Year.”

Vinted seller Nikki Hollis said: “Yeah, that happened to me last week. Luckily some desperate cow bought it all, but it’s little consolation as this morning I woke with shit hair.”