THE time of year when the media fills space with round-up of whimsical news stories of the year has come around. But are they actually deeply disturbing conspiracies?
Cheese-rolling: rural people are violent lunatics
Chasing a wheel of cheese downhill is an excuse for muscular farm labourers to cripple rivals by elbowing them with enough force to blind them. Once the BBC leaves, the dominant male f**ks the cheese right there in the field.
Mum becomes TikTok sensation: she no longer is
A mum got millions of views for mildly amusing cake designs filmed by her teenage daughter. Interest faded to nothing within 48 hours. She feels nauseous with shame when friends bring up her grandiose plans to create a celebrity food empire.
Pub regulars perform imaginative charity stunt: they’re all bigots
Drinkers raise an impressive £15,000 towards an MRI scanner by sleeping in a bed up a tree, until local radio interviews broadcast banter which reveals they find racial slurs both hilarious and daring and believe white Britons are treated worse than Rosa Parks. Ah.
Child takes award-winning photo: this is their greatest and final success
A nine-year-old wins a competition with a funny pigeon photo. Will he become a successful photographer? No. All he did was flukily tap a button. After failing his GCSEs it’s minimum wage all the way to 66 and a state pension, if they still exist.
Star Wars marriage proposal: woman only accepted because she was filmed
A Star Wars fan proposes by turning up at his girlfriend’s workplace dressed as Obi-Wan Kenobi. She says ‘yes’ because it’s streamed live on Facebook. The event-starved local TV news gets hold of it and she’s forced to feign engagement to a twat with zero resemblance to Ewan McGregor.
Supermarket staff release rap track: someone should be honest with them
A group of supermarket workers record a novelty song at a local studio, which briefly goes viral because it’s shite. Wrongly, they come to believe they have a viable music career and nobody has the courage to burst their bubble, until a real record label tells them to f**k off.
Traditional pagan festival is great fun: locals practice human sacrifice
The village of Woldmarsh holds a festival to appease local pagan entity ‘Black Sam’, with painted faces, a parade and symbolic sacrifices. That’s all for the cameras. The real ceremony happens at midnight, deep in the woods. Black Sam demands blood.
Village makes life-size famous artworks: Why?
The residents of a village waste a significant chunk of their lives creating tableaux of famous paintings, from the Mona Lisa to Guernica. None of them like art; it’s just something to do. The results are impressively detailed and utterly, utterly pointless. What a catalogue of wasted lives.
