KEIR Starmer has announced the whip has been suspended from an eighth MP for the crime of placing a cup on a wooden table without using a coaster.
Following the suspension last night of seven MPs who voted against the two-child benefit cap, the MP for Stafford has been expelled for three months after leaving an unsightly coffee ring on an occasional table.
A Downing Street spokesperson said: “Keir had little option. If he let this blatant threat to his authority slide it could undermine his whole project.
“He made an example of her, screaming ‘what the f**k have you done, you dozy prick’ and flinging a folder across the room, puce-faced, teeth bared. Everyone’s bound to respect him now.
“Granted the strict coaster policy wasn’t in the manifesto and got cut at the last minute from the King’s Speech, but Starmer believes it should be obvious and only a bloody Corbynite would dare flout it in such an inflammatory manner.
“That leaves us with a majority of 164, which is still plenty and definitely won’t be eroded by a series of draconian, ruthless responses to minor infractions over the next five years.”
Starmer said: “Did you just ignore Downing Street’s shoes-at-the-door policy? When I’ve just bought a new f**king rug?”
