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Do you honestly think I wanted to go to Taylor Swift, asks Starmer

THE prime minister has asked the public if they really believe that he, a 62-year-old man who has spent his life in the legal profession, is a keen Swiftie. 

Starmer pointed out that three-and-a-half hours of the Eras Tour was not and has never been his idea of an enjoyable evening and he would have much preferred to closely read policy documents before getting an early night.

He said: “I am a man of conviction. I am not a pathetic millennial man pretending mediocre country songwriting is ‘genius’ to impress Tinder dates.

“Do you seriously believe humming tunelessly along to songs I was entirely unfamiliar with while calculating how long it would take to get from Wembley to Downing Street was anything other than a dreary political duty?

“These tickets were not a gift. They were a karmic punishment. I admit I harboured hopes that a blue-light police escort might impart the virtues of alacrity to Ms Swift, but instead she added an extra medley to her acoustic set.

“When you’re in my position, watching Taylor Swift is like going to the Cenotaph Remembrance service. I’m not particularly excited to be there, but the tabloids will give me shit if I skip it.

“Now, if I’d been treated to VIP tickets to Kidderminster’s Museum of Carpet I would understand why the corruption alarm bells were ringing.”

Russell Brand, and other Christians who God must f**king hate

BORN-AGAIN Christian Russell brand is selling a bullshit amulet that blocks wifi while blithering on about his newfound faith. How the Lord must abhor him, and these: 

Donald Trump

Trump’s broken every Commandment except the murder one, but it must be particularly galling to God that he’s selling his own Bibles. Assuming He still chats to Lucifer now and again, He’s definitely called in a favour and specified that Trump’s punishment, when he inevitably arrives in Hell, involves burning Trump Bibles and a former president’s arsehole.

Kanye West

Turned Christian at the very moment his talent fled, he’s a phenomenally bad one. Committing the sin of pride by rapping about his own greatness and parading his wife Bianca Censori like the Whore of Babylon are not Christian values. Also, good Christians tend to be humble rather than say ‘I am the new Jesus’ while threatening to persecute Jews.

Chris Pratt

Jurassic Park ditched its message that man should not play God ages ago. It now celebrates creating new species, repopulating the Earth with creatures He either deliberately exterminated or never acknowledged existing in the first place. And no loving God would sanction three Jurassic World films.

Russell Brand

God’s omniscient, Russell. He can see through your Road to Damascus conversion in a picosecond. And He’s omnipotent but not making the allegations against you magically disappear. Brand’s a terrible advert for Christianity, and will arrive at the Pearly Gates shrieking ‘Awright, me old matey!’ only for St Peter to point him firmly to the down escalator.

Your old Sunday school teacher Miss Dawson

Miss Dawson got you to draw Jesus on a donkey but also allowed you to draw ghosts and witches at Halloween. Had she not memorised Exodus 22:18: ‘You shall not tolerate a sorceress’? Similarly, at Christmas she encouraged belief in the pagan figure Santa, totally disregarding Deuteronomy 5:8: ‘You shall not make for yourself idols’. It’s Hell for you, bitch.

Calvin Robinson

God must be tempted to strike Calvin down with lightning just for being a wanker, but where he’s really got him bang to rights is Leviticus 19:18 and ‘Love thy neighbour as thyself’. Calvin was GB News’ resident vicar and it’s hard to find a more hate-filled channel, especially if your neighbour is trans. You’re an abomination in His sight, Calvin.

The vicar at Uncle Neville’s funeral

A pathetic excuse for a Christian who droned on about how nice Uncle Neville was and how much he loved caravanning. Not once did he mention damned souls burning forever in the Lake of Fire or the absolute necessity of not wearing garments combining linen and wool. With charlatans like him at the pulpit no wonder there’s so many floods.

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