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Could you adopt a Tory for as little as £3 a month?

THERE are fewer than 122 of them left in the Houses of Parliament. Their pet newspapers go unread. Nobody even notices their sex scandals. 

Conservatives who once roamed wild and free across the streets and fields of Britain are now an endangered species. All they wanted was a landslide victory and a mandate from the public, but instead MPs are abandoned, forgotten and unloved. But you can help.

Please rescue them from a life of appearing on GB News by donating just £3 a month. Your direct debit will give them sustenance and pride. In return you will receive a certificate and photo of your Tory.

Lucy Parry of Soho said: “When I started sponsoring Tom Tugendhat he was living under a bridge and sustaining himself on a diet of discarded kebabs. His hair was matted and his suit filthy.

“But it’s been heartwarming to see his progress. For the price of a coffee he’s been shaved, disinfected, and given space to gallop freely with other members. Next month he might even come in third in a leadership race.”

Fellow sponsor Donna Sherridan said: “I’m at the Conservative Party Conference to visit my Tory in its natural habitat. I can’t wait to finally see it in person and run my hands along its hairy flanks.

“I just hope it hasn’t picked up any infections, like claiming Trump is a credible politician or Putin is ready to compromise. It would be terrible to have to take it out the back of Birmingham and put it down.”

Sponsor a Tory today by visiting taxloopholes.conservatives.com.

How many years do you have left in your sex life?

ENJOYING a bountiful and fulfilling sex life? The clock’s ticking. Soon it will be no more than a memory. Find out how long you’ve got: 

Are you male or female?

A) Female, in my late 20s, attractive and enjoying an active love life.
B) Male, heading for 50, and lucky if I get on the nest once a month.

What is your current relationship status?

A) Young, free and single! Why tie yourself down? It’s not like my mum’s day, you don’t have to marry and have kids as soon as you hit 30. For the foreseeable future the only way you’re fastening your lips around my nips is if you look like Jason Momoa.
B) Married for 12 years, mortgage for 15, two kids. The thought of splitting up brings us both out in a cold sweat. We’re not ready for what’s out there.

How often do you have sex now?

A) Okay, does four times a week sound bad? I’m non-exclusive with two guys, I’ve got a couple of friends with benefits for school nights, and at the weekends I let the party go where it takes me.
B) Almost exactly every four weeks. Plus birthdays. I would in theory like it more often but I’m knackered, she’s knackered, and at the weekends I’m too dedicated to getting pissed.

Do you prefer your partner younger or older?

A) I’m open to new experiences. You’ve got to dodge the fat, middle-aged chancers with a tan line where their wedding ring isn’t, or the f**kbois looking for an experienced woman they can prematurely ejaculate in front of, but it all makes for a good story.
B) My wife is three months younger. So younger.

Do you consider yourself sexually adventurous? 

A) Yes. I’m a digital native who grew up with internet porn and I’m regularly putting theory into practice. Still haven’t found a guy who’s into getting choked though.
B) Maybe. I mean last time, when we were both struggling to get there, rather than call it off completely we did it doggystyle. Does that count?

ANSWERS: 

Mostly As: You are a proud, sexually confident independent woman with an enviable love life that will continue until you suddenly lose all interest in it and retreat under a blanket for the rest of your life.

Mostly Bs: Blessedly, your erotic career is in its death throes. A few more years and you’ll both feel the relief of not feeling obliged to rut like beasts because you’re both permanently knackered and it sets off your sciatica.

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