Can entertainment have enough right-wing voices? By Rosie Holt MP

22nd June 2023

I WRITE this with a mixture of mirth and trepidation. Mirth, as I have just read the hilarious yet informative new Daily Mail column about diet pills by Boris Johnson.

But trepidation because the Daily Mash (which I have been assured is in its own way just as influential as the Mail) has asked me, Rosie Holt, MP of Akenfield West, to pen my own column.

Can I match the wordsmith Boris Johnson? Sadly, I don’t have the gravitas and experience to write about the important issue everyone wants to know about: diet pills.

But I also never went to Eton, which means I am lacking in the ability to write with strength and humour, instead having to fight the feminine urge to just cross and uncross my legs to distract my opponent/reader.

I originally wrote two pages for this article but the editor assured me that, like funds for the arts, less is best, so I have penned just a few paragraphs. I had to cut my section about diet pills – I couldn’t match Boris’s honesty and compassion about chorizo and cheddar.

So in my first of what I hope will be many articles for the Daily Mash (I asked the editor about this several times and she said ‘it was a matter for the House and not the editor’, a strong decisive answer which reflects leadership I am compelled to admire) I thought I would address politicians like myself who take second jobs in entertainment.

One of my constituents, Barry, who is recovering in hospital after being run over by a ride-on mower, emailed me to say, ‘I am so looking forward to reading your column where I hope there is something funny about chorizo, argh my leg it hurts.’

As a reader you may be asking what myself, Boris and Nadine Dorries have to offer in the world of newspaper columns, or broadcasting like Jacob Rees-Mogg, Lee Anderson, Esther McVey, Philip Davies and Nigel Farage. Or reality TV like Matt Hancock.

You may wonder why I, an MP, am starring in Rosie Holt: That’s Politainment! at this year’s Edinburgh Fringe, at the Pleasance from August 2nd-27th. Well, to answer your questions, what is serious here is the priority of the British People and that we stop the boats. Plus I have reached my word limit. Stop the boats. Chorizo.

Rosie Holt: That’s Politainment! runs at Pleasance Courtyard 2 at 8pm at the Edinburgh Fringe from 2nd August to 27th August (except 15th August).

How to f**k up your teacher's lesson about gender and sexuality: A pupil's guide

22nd June 2023

PUPILS at a school in East Sussex have discovered that hassling the teacher about transgender issues is more fun than work. Here’s how to bring any sex ed lesson to a standstill.

Ask questions in bad faith

Unless you’ve got previous, your teacher won’t realise you’re an annoying little shit trying to waste time until break, so force them to earnestly answer questions like these:

● Are there really 5,000 sexes?

● Is there a word for men who are attracted to other men?

● Could I get married to a shark? (This may end the questions.)

Think of a stupid version of ‘I identify as X’

Wankers still find the old ‘I identify as a helicopter’ gag incredibly hilarious, so get a cheap laugh from the class by thinking of an equally stupid one, eg. ‘What if someone identifies as the moon?’ You’ll definitely be the wag of the factory canteen in whatever shit job you end up in later in life.

Ask the teacher intrusive personal questions

You hold all the cards here. Ask a male teacher if he’s gay. He can’t tell you to f**k off as you deserve, and if he says ‘My private life is not what we’re discussing’ that’s funny because he’s denying being a gay, and if he confidently says ‘Yes, I am gay’, that’s funny too because he IS a gay. Also ask a nervous young female teacher what sexual position she prefers. If she’s in tears by the end of the lesson, it has been a productive day’s learning.

Ruthlessly exploit paranoia about woke

Play on your teacher’s fear of using offensive, ‘unwoke’ language by saying ‘Don’t you mean genderqueer, miss?’, implying they’re way behind Young People on gender issues, when all you’re doing is pissing around until you can throw chips at your mates at lunchtime.

Feign shock at anything sexual in a sex ed class

Despite being a member of the internet porn generation, if a teacher so much as mentions, say, oral sex, gasp in shock as if they’ve just asked to come on your tits there and then. Then giggle inanely for five minutes. You have proved you’re incapable of having a mature discussion about a topic that may be of genuine concern to some pupils. However you’re legally required to receive some sort of sex education, so you win.

Kick up a wholly unnecessary fuss

Funny, isn’t it, how something you didn’t give a toss about five minutes ago becomes a burning matter of principle when you can avoid actual work? Argue vehemently about the definition of a woman, deploying such devastating arguments as: ‘My MUM, right, is not my DAD, yeah? THAT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE!’ Then promptly forget about it the second the bell goes and you can slope off for a vape.

Get the press involved

Britain’s mental right-wing press will be dying to cast you as the innocent victim if there’s some storm-in-a-teacup incident relating to sex education. Try the Times or Telegraph – they never fact-check anything about ‘woke’. Claim a teacher made the entire class prove you weren’t bigoted speciesists by wanking off the school tortoise. It’ll be on the front page for a week.

Hum

If you’ve got the misfortune to have a hard teacher who won’t put up with your bullshit and instantly shuts down your attempts to waste time, try the tried-and-tested tactic of humming. It’s got nothing to do with gender and sexuality, but Christ it’s f**king annoying.