subscribe
/ Sign Out

Burnley MP's woke constituents could not be more disgusted

THE people of Burnley, named Wokest Northern Town in the 2022 Woke UK awards, are outraged at their suspended MP. 

Oliver Ryan has lost the whip for not challenging offensive comments made in a WhatsApp group, a behaviour residents of the Lancashire town have confirmed is entirely alien to them.

Butcher Norman Steele, aged 66, said: “My father-in-law dared say he wasn’t sure every single one of these asylum seekers had valid claims at Christmas. I stood up, ordered him out and drove him directly home. What can you expect, he’s a Skipton man.

“We don’t stand by and let offensive humour go around here. We’re proactively defending identity politics all the livelong day. Get so much as a pronoun wrong when you’re shopping on our market and it’ll fall dead silent.

“If you want to represent Burnley, you’ll have cut off at least four family members for their unconscious misogyny, spend your evenings policing racism on social media, and shake your head throughout visits to Brighton at their backward, Neanderthal gender politics.

“That’s who we are, proud Northern folk sensitive to the travails of the Global South. We should never have elected a white man. They’re all the bloody same.”

Have you ever considered you're the problem, dating apps ask users

DATING apps have asked their ugly, humourless, unloveable users if they have ever reflected that not being able to find a partner may not just be the app. 

Apps including Tinder, Bumble and Hinge believe they are fulfilling their end of the deal by providing an endless supply of single people, so are wondering if unhappy users have entertained the idea they themselves are the reason they are still alone.

Tinder said: “We’ve got all ages, interests and levels of commitment covered. So perhaps if nobody’s swiping right on your profile then it’s a you problem.

“Think about it. Everyone on here is desperately looking for love or at least a misguided shag. If you can’t meet anyone through us then you’re being rejected by hundreds of potential partners every hour. And you’re blaming us?”

Hinge agreed: “Complain about our cringey prompts or our algorithms all you want, but what’s the common denominator? It’s you.

“Every couple you know met through a dating app, so clearly we’re doing something right. But when was the last time someone hit on you, either in real life or online?”

Grindr said: “Or guys, if you’re open to changing your sexuality, we don’t get any complaints.”

Next story ›