WILLIAM Hague was under fresh attack last night after raising the terrible spectre of his mojo.
The novelty foreign secretary has dismissed rumours of his resignation while simultaneously conjuring the image of him rubbing cocoa butter into his bald head while reclining on black satin sheets.
Tory backbencher, Sir Denys Finch-Hatton, said “As soon as I became aware of William’s mojo my mind was filled with his gyrating hips and long wet tongue.
“I haven’t vomited so comprehensively since I bought that sushi off the back of a van in Sierra Leone and I am now haunted day and night by terrible visions of him beckoning me into a hot tub with one hand whilst squeezing his nipple with the other.
“Oh Christ, here comes my Sugar Puffs.”
Parliamentary convention has banned MPs from using sensual imagery since 1938 when Neville Chamberlain blamed the looming spectre of war for his ‘sustained period of glandular softness’.
Hague contravened this last week when he told MPs that his plan to evacuate Britons from Libya through a 600 mile tunnel to Marbella was evidence of ‘a mojo firing on all cylinders’.
He added: “I could rescue British passport holders from Libya all night long.”
But Nikki Hollis, a solicitor from Hague’s Richmond constituency, said “I would happily see the smoking remains of this country sold to some Chinese gangsters if it erased the image of a naked William Hague straddling a chair with his face contorted in grim ecstasy.
“Hang on… yep, I’m now a lesbian.”
