subscribe
/ Sign Out

Brexiter wondering if perhaps he was the dickhead

A BREXITER who voted for sovereignty and got spiralling inflation, a collapsing NHS and record immigration is wondering if he was the dickhead.

Bill McKay voted to leave the EU in 2016 in the belief it would save Britain money, cut immigration and make everything better, but now cannot help noticing it has gone very much the other way.

He said: “Immigration’s at record levels. And that’s the legal kind, with the boats on top of that. And I very much remember voting to do something about that.

“For the first few years I blamed everything that was going so badly wrong, like Theresa May, on Remainers blocking Brexit. But there haven’t been any Remainers for years now, Brexit went through in its purest and most wonderful form, and it’s still shit.

“We’ve got British jobs for British people to the extent I’m having to work two of the f**kers, the NHS has gone right downhill, inflation’s through the roof, so’s my mortgage, and it’s beginning to feel like it might be my fault.

“All I did was take promises at face value. Was that so wrong? Maybe when the people making the promises were Johnson and Farage it kind of was.”

He added: “Really sorry everyone. Cards on the table, I f**ked up. Okay, now I’ve admitted that, can we go back to how it was before? No harm done, right?”

UK's last Bovril drinker unable to explain why

THE sole remaining consumer of Bovril in the UK has struggled to justify why he voluntarily drinks brown, salty water.

When confronted by family and friends about drinking hot, beefy piss water instead of tea or coffee, 56-year-old Norman Steele was unable to provide rational reasons for his deviant habit.

Steele said: “People can’t understand why I still go for a hot drink made from something that voluntarily describes itself as ‘concentrated meat paste’. And they’re right. I’m sick in the head.

“I’ve no idea where the urge comes from. If someone said ‘Gosh I really fancy a cup of liquid cow parts’ you’d think they were mad. I’d see a psychiatrist but the last one told me to f**k off and keep my beef drinks to myself.”

Steele’s wife Clare said: “It’s a nightmare. Not even the most bloodyminded gammons drink this stuff. It makes your breath smell like you’ve been French kissing a frying pan full of congealed burger fat.

“But he won’t just have a coffee, even when he’s tired and wants a pick-me-up. He just dissolves a caffeine pill into his Bovril and calls it a ‘beef speedball’.

“It’s so awkward at friends’ houses. Even the biggest coffee snob will make do with a cup of Nescafe. I’ve seen Norman get someone to make him a pint of diluted Bisto to get his fix.”

Steele added: “It’s strange to think I’m the last of my kind. I’m like that Japanese soldier on a remote Pacific island who didn’t know the war was over. Only he probably had something nicer to drink.”

Next story ›