CONCERNED friends of Boris Johnson have confirmed that while he remains defiant about parliament’s witch hunt, he is now only one-and-a-half feet tall.
The former prime minister’s statement, while a stirring rallying cry to Brexit loyalists, got rather squeaky towards the end as his now child-sized vocal cords outlined his high-pitched betrayal.
Johnson’s friend and hairdresser, now an OBE, said: “He lost about a foot when he left Downing Street last year, but we were able to disguise it with built-up shoes and clever angles.
“That’s going to be harder to do now he’s around the height of a newborn, bowling around everyone’s ankles chirping about his inevitable glorious comeback.
“We’ve all reassured him of what a marvellous statement it was, and so clever never mentioning parties once, but it’s hard to tell a tiny, tiny homunculus that he’ll soon return triumphant like Churchill without laughing.
“He keeps appearing from nowhere at your shoulder, piping ‘And just wait until the Covid inquiry sees my evidence Rishi, your goose is cooked!’ like a f**king Tellytubby.
“Nadine Dorries towers over him now. She cradles him like a little doll.”
