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Unbearable couple f**k up house and garden with massive extension

AN awful couple have built an enormous rear extension which has ruined their home and rendered their garden obsolete, it has emerged.

Nathan and Francesca Muir’s house now boasts an impractical hangar-style space where their perfectly good kitchen used to be and a narrow strip of lawn which will never get any natural light.

Francesca said: “I love throwing open the bifolds to admire the garden I can barely stand in. This was definitely worth spending tens of thousands of pounds on.

“Meanwhile the new open-plan living area is designed to resemble the separate rooms we knocked down in order to build it. Only now nobody has any personal space and in the summer it’s bound to overheat. It’s the best of both worlds.

“My favourite features are the uncomfortable stools by the breakfast bar which nobody will ever use. I can only imagine they have increased our property’s value tenfold, which is the only reason we f**ked up an otherwise great home to begin with.”

Husband Nathan said: “I’m thinking we pave over the garden next, slap on a pebble dash and give the ceiling some Artex texturing. Really go all in on making this extension as awful as possible.”

Six things you end up doing at a sensible, mature stag do

STAG dos are no longer the preserve of louts on the piss. Classy, refined grown-ups enjoy them too, and these horribly sophisticated things will happen: 

Alcohol tasting

Tasting, not drinking. There’ll be no raucous cries of ‘down it’ on this cultured excursion as you would be unable to appreciate the finely-aged whisky served in the thimble in front of you. Instead, you’ll all sit in rapt silence as a posh bearded man explains what you thought you already knew: how to drink. Then, polite nods all round as you sip.

Exercising

Hedonism on stag dos is for boys. Real men want to run around like oversized golden retrievers and chase endorphins by playing Zorb football or Ultimate frisbee. Not even a trip to a strip club for one last lap dance as a free man could get the stag’s pulse racing like the early morning 5K run you’ll all do as a bonding exercise.

Making mature friends

Going on the pull might be top of the agenda for some other guys, but your group has happily struck up a repertoire with a married couple from Canada and is recommending them some nice restaurants and outings. The buzz of giving Tony and Jill help with their holiday far outweighs the temporary thrill of debauched nightclub shenanigans.

Stealing fancy glassware instead of traffic cones

Now you have a smart BMW M5 you care about the rules of the road. You certainly won’t be messing around with important construction markers. The only thing coming home with you is a restaurant’s charming water tumblers because they’ll go so nicely with your kitchen. You’ll giggle with glee at how impressed future dinner party guests will be.

Going to bed at a reasonable hour

After a busy day of carefully choreographed activities, the old yawn and stretch is enough for everyone to agree it’s time for bed. Too old for airbeds, you each snuggle down into your comfy mattresses and tell each other how much you appreciate your friendship. The only late-night trip to the toilet is due to Ryan from university’s tiny weak bladder, and not because he’s had one too many beers.

Receiving a commemorative gift

Traditionally, the lasting gift of a stag do is a questionable tattoo or gonorrhoea. Not so when it comes to a mature man’s send off. Instead you’ll receive a beautiful leather bound photo album filled with images taken over the weekend. Because what happens on a grown-up stag do stays with you forever as a wonderful shared experience.

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