Power thinking, with Dr Morris O'Connor

Power pets.

Most people love pets. They buy them for company, for something to cuddle or in the case of my friend Ed to prove that lizards are harder than rats.

I’ve had a terrible fear of animals since I woke up as an 11-year-old to see an un-tethered ghost horse in my bedroom. Although, when I turned the light on, it became apparent it was just my Midland Griffin Savers sports bag hanging on the wall. In the darkness it looked convincingly like a sinister equine apparition. Despite my fear of any creature that doesn’t wear shoes or have conversational French, I learnt that animals can be hugely useful power tools. I’m not talking about people in crisis weeping on lamas, I’m talking about manifesting extreme business and personal success through acquiring beasts of various shapes, sizes and abilities.

The story of Jonny Z and Tommy Z perfectly illustrates the huge power that can be derived from the smallest of animals. Jonny and Tommy are identical twins, personal trainers and close friends. Despite having had excellent muscle definition for years they couldn’t get investment for their workout concept – T.W.I.N.S: Total Workout In Nine Stages. I suggested it was to do with them only being able to come up with seven stages. I also insisted getting to the gym and showering could not be considered a stage. They still disagree.

They believed that their good looks and physical presence intimidated potential investors. As a fellow alpha male I knew they were onto something, and I admitted to them my first thought when I initially met them wasn’t ‘are they a potential investment opportunity’, but could I take them in a fight. I truly believe that, one on one in the right conditions and assuming we were both barefoot, I could take out Jonny.

The twins had to be softened, made more approachable and it was actually my wife Paew Pang who suggested Jonny carry a mouse in the front pocket of his hooded top. The mouse worked like magic, it was an icebreaker and financially it was extremely low maintenance. The average business mouse only needs 1.3 Protein Plus Power Bars a month. The little mouse made two overly confident and muscled men extremely likable, but be warned mice defecate and urinate at random so keep them off paperwork, laptops and mobile phones despite how insanely cute it looks.

Different animals can be repurposed for different functions, for example if you’re looking to gain attention in a high level business meeting, turtles always kill in the boardroom. For love or romance try furrier beasts like a muntjac or caterpillar and if you’re having problems with an overly competitive colleague a Mongolian death worm in a briefcase rarely fails.

Dr Morris O’Conner is the best selling author of Business Beasts: A Guide To Animals You Can Legally Take Into Meetings.

Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,

I have received an invitation to a street party this weekend, to mark the occasion of the nuptials between Prince William and Kate Middleton. I believe it’s an old Chinese proverb which says, ‘neighbours, ev’ry body needs good neighbours’, but frankly, I’d rather have my head hacked off with a chisel than spend any time with the worthless cretins who share my postcode. Instead, I was thinking of taking the opportunity of hiding out in the attic with an air gun and picking off a few of the worst, including that bitch from number twelve who lets her fat dog defecate on my lawn. Is that terribly mean-spirited of me?

Edna
Dunstable

Dear Edna,

Although your neighbours may be unbearable, I’d advise against boycotting the street party – unless you want to get chained up in the Tower of London. We learned all about the Royals in school and believe me, they’re a weird bunch. This is probably because until Kate Middleton came along, they were only allowed to breed with each other. Apparently William was originally betrothed to Princess Anne, but after it was discovered that, due to rabid inbreeding, Princess Eugenie has five bumholes, the Queen decided to allow some extra genes into the family pool. Unfortunately, once Kate’s womb has been used to produce the future Monarch, she will probably be executed like Mary Queen of Scots and Anne Robinson. So if you don’t want to go the same way, I’d get out there and start enjoying those cucumber sandwiches, and be grateful that at least your neighbour at number twelve only has one dog, unlike the Queen who probably lets all those corgis do their filthy business all over the place – not to mention Princess Eugenie.

Hope that helps!
Holly