CLAIMS that pay rises are not keeping pace with inflation has baffled the majority of Britons who have no idea what a pay rise is.
Millions of workers confirmed that being given extra money by their employers was less likely than being abducted by aliens.
Warehouse worker Tom Logan said: “So people automatically get more money because their company likes them and prices keep going up? Yeah, I’m sure that happens – in fairyland.
“I suppose they go to their boss and say ‘Give me more money every year, forever!’ and they just say ‘yes’, rather than ‘Fuck off you little rodent or we’ll get someone from the agency’. That’s funny.”
Office worker Donna Sheridan said: “I’ve never had a pay rise but the company does lots of ‘cool’ things to make you think it’s a good place to work, such as ‘Hat Friday’ when you can wear a hat ‘for fun’.
“I think pay rises must be a workplace urban myth, like the photocopier being haunted by an old employee who got crushed by the lid.”
