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Secret Santa gift soon to be human resources investigation

A SECRET Santa gift to be unwrapped later will, before 5.30pm, become the subject of an investigation by human resources. 

Martin Bishop, who was delighted to be buying for 22-year-old colleague Grace Wood-Morris this year, believes that she and everyone will find the thong he has bought her hilarious.

Bishop said: “It’s red with white frills and an embroidered message on the crotch saying ‘When I think of you I touch my elf’. Grace will love that, it’s very festive.

“I would never write that in an email, God no, but I’m pretty sure conveying it via underwear wrapped in tissue paper and opened publicly before the rest of the office is perfectly acceptable.

“When she opens it I’ll be at the back of the crowd, laughing loudly to show how funny it is and speculating about who could have bought it, which will throw everyone off the scent. I might start a chant of ‘try it on!’. As a joke obviously.

“And if she bursts into tears and runs off to the bathroom, I’m still safe because nobody will ever find out it’s me. Secret Santa’s like omertà in the Mafia. That trust is sacred.”

HR manager Joanna Kramer said: “I expect I’ll soon have a little present for Martin. I hope he likes it.”

Six hair mistakes from history Gen Z refuse to learn from

THE mullet is a warning from history, but for all Gen Z’s supposed social awareness it is a warning they have failed to heed. They are doomed to repeat these mistakes: 

Mullets

For decades the mullet has been universally mocked. But the youth of today not only let Billy Ray Cyrus enjoy a comeback, but his hated hairstyle. Shaved sides, a short top, and flowing locks over the collar are an abomination even if ironic. The photographic evidence is building every second. You will suffer for these errors forever.

Strange partial dye jobs

Highlights, tints and blonde fringes on brown hair are nothing new. They’re standard for the post-divorce MILF, meaning Gen Z’s seen them first-hand and has no excuse. It doesn’t look cool or alternative. It looks like you used leftover dye from three different boxes.

Curtains

Side partings are a constant source of hilarity to Gen Z because they’re the trademark millennial haircut. How a centre parting is cooler in comparison remains unexplained, like most of the shit teenagers believe. Give them a few months and they’ll be gelling their hair up in stupid little quiffs too, the naive fools.

Stupid little moustaches

They’re working with what little facial hair they can muster, to be fair, but really? A little moustache only discernable in strong sunlight? With that and a polo shirt, you exactly resemble the 1980s brother-in-law who was doing well in property and drove a Pontiac Firebird. This is not a cool person to be like.

Buzz cuts

Buzz cuts are the invading Russia of hairstyles. Lots of people have thought they could pull it off easily before beating a slow, agonising retreat. Gen Z’s dream man Harry Styles is the latest martyr to the cause, and no amount of body positivity affirmations can disguise the fact that it looks shit and he’s likely only doing it for a film.

Messing about with eyebrows

The warnings about tattoos should be extended to eyebrows, because you know the fashion thing you’re doing with your eyebrows right now? You will wear that look for life. Every previous generation has plucked, trimmed and threaded, and look at their eyebrows now: f**ked up. The Zoomers don’t listen. Too busy getting memes tattooed on their necks.

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