THERE’s nothing worse than sitting peacefully on the bog when a colleague walks in. Here’s how to discover who the selfish, entitled bastard is.
Look at their shoes
Looking at shoes under the stall of the toilet may confirm which colleague is interrupting your flow. However, be mindful of the logistics of this. Seeing your squinting face pressed on the toilet floor as they’re straining on the bog can send out the wrong message.
Time them
The scientific approach. Monitoring the speed and efficiency of your colleague’s piss and/or shit can get you one step closer to solving the mystery. If they’ve been incredibly quick and efficient, they’re definitely not management. If they’re in the stall crying for half an hour, it’s probably the new graduate.
Listen closely
Office toilets are a double-edged sword. While usually uncomfortably quiet, they also provide the perfect environment for listening to colleagues’ grunts and other noises. A suppressed, mouse-like groan will be Jane who always looks nervous. A cacophony of arse noises followed by a satisfied sigh is likely to be Steve from IT, who has no social graces. (Your rigorous analysis may be unnecessary in his case, as he will inform everyone he had ‘a great shit’.)
Their ringtone
A dead giveaway. Even if you don’t know the phantom shitter’s ringtone already, an ancient default Nokia ringtone signifies an older colleague, probably Michael. Whereas Lee from sales undoubtedly has shite R’n’B as his. It’s not exactly Sherlock Holmes levels of deduction, but you still deserve a cool nickname for your sleuthing skills. Maybe Bogatha Christie.
The scent
If you’re getting desperate, resort to analysing the smell they produce. If they’re trying to hide it with perfume, it’s probably not a man. Plus, if you can remember what they ate the day before, that will help. Memories of Sophie’s asparagus salad will suddenly come flooding back to you.
