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Going for a run, and four other ways office pricks spend their lunch break

LOOKING to make everyone else in your office resent you for making them feel like a lazy bastard? Try these lunchtime activities. 

Doing an online course

Spending your lunch break ‘upskilling’ using some course in digital marketing from the Open University will make your colleagues regard you as a mega-twat. Rather than sitting around chatting about how much you hate your job, you’re trying to do something about it. Expect to be treated with contempt.

Going for a run

Nothing will make your colleagues resent you more than if you suddenly appear in shorts with your phone strapped to your arm to announce that you’re ‘Just going for a quick 10k’. They’ll enjoy the rest of their lunch break discussing what a smug tosser you are.

Volunteering

While helping the vulnerable in society is a fantastic thing to do, announcing that you’re going to help out at a soup kitchen will make everyone else sitting at their desks eating crisps feel like slovenly bellends. Save the world on your own time, okay?

Arts and crafts

Some people want more from their lunch break than to sit at their desk for 60 minutes grimly working through a supermarket meal deal. If you instead break out some knitting needles and make yourself a jumper, prepare for everyone simply browsing their phones to think you’re a ponce.

Going to the gym

Apart from making your co-workers feel like a bunch of slobs, sitting on a rowing machine for an hour is a great way to be knackered and smelly. But having a perfectly sculpted body outweighs your colleagues being disgusted by you reeking of sweat all afternoon.

Would you be happier in the Blitz? Take our quiz

THINK things were better in the old days? Feel nostalgic for a time you didn’t live through? Find out if you would have been happier living through the Blitz.

How do you feel about returning to the office?

A) Mildly annoyed, mainly because I work in a stressful, underpaid job with total arseholes.

B) Fine. I’m bravely back at my desk. I wish there were some doodlebugs exploding, though. That sounds exciting.

Should we bring back rationing?

A) With all the supply chain issues still going on it might stop pricks panic buying.

B) Absolutely. Living on four ounces of cooking fat and one egg per week would solve this country’s obesity crisis in a matter of months.

How do you feel about Europe?

A) I’m surprised they even talk to us after years of acting like total dicks.

B) The whole continent’s gone to hell in a handbasket and needs us plucky Brits to step in and sort it out again, just like on D-Day.

You’ve had a shit day, what do you do?

A) Complain to my partner who will half listen while scrolling on their phone and occasionally go ‘oh right’.

B) Bottle up my emotions while stoically remembering a hardship I didn’t endure. Or cheer myself up by humming ‘We’re  Going to Hang Out the Washing on the Siegfried Line’.

What does ‘Blitz spirit’ mean to you?

A) It increasingly sounds like propaganda to make you go along with our daft, self-inflicted modern problems without whingeing.

B) It’s a patriotic, morale-boosting attitude that doesn’t suggest a weird obsession with the events of 75 years ago that other countries don’t have.

ANSWERS

Mostly As: You haven’t drunk the Blitz Kool-Aid, meaning you weirdly don’t want to return to a time of nightly bombing raids and unprecedented misery. Watch more war films, the less realistic the better. 

Mostly Bs: In your opinion, the Blitz was the highlight of human history and if you had a time machine you’d live there permanently. You’d probably think Anderson Shelters were ‘elf ‘n’ safety gone mad’, though.

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