TOUGH decisions about who is deserving of disability benefits and who is not are to be outsourced to solid, dependable daytime drinkers.
The drinkers, who do not work themselves so are sympathetic to the condition, will be given a photograph, a quick rundown of symptoms and a pint of Stella before making their legally binding decision.
Wayne Hayes, who gives his address as The Morris Dancers in Colne, said: “What’s this one? Anxiety and can’t leave the house? You can work at home now. She’s fine.
“And this lad’s lost a leg. No getting around that he’s going to be dead weight on a building site. However there’s no restrictions on monopeds down the bookies and I know Phil needs someone part-time. Stamp him fine.
“You see, it’s good old-fashioned common sense that’s your guide, and we’ve got a monopoly on that. None of this PTSD or ADHD or BPD, which when all’s said and done are just initials. Colin’s got COPD and still has a cheeky fag.
“We can deal with hundreds every afternoon – by the end we’re doing it just off the photo – and to appeal the decision, pop down. We’re here every day from 12ish and we’ll give you a fair hearing. Ish. Being honest, we get markedly less fair after about 6pm.”
He added: “Half the daytime club in here are on benefits and they’re all working, so it goes to show nothing can stop you with the right mindset and a bag of dodgy vapes.”
