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Colleague massively overestimating emotional impact of her leaving

A WOMAN is under the mistaken impression that her leaving for another job is an important emotional event for those around her. 

Emma Bradford, aged 34, has spent the morning reminding colleagues that it his her final week as marketing analyst and imagining that they give a f**k.

She said: “I’ve arranged a farewell lunch for those people who can’t come to the evening do, and I’m working on speeches. Don’t want to miss anybody out.

“I’ve become a real fixture here – can’t believe it’s been six years – and while everyone’s putting on a brave face now I expect there will be a few tears on the day, especially for those who’ve found it too wrenching to even answer my emails.”

Eleanor Shaw, who works at the neighbouring desk to Emma, said: “Six years? Has it been? I would have thought maybe two.

“So that’s why she’s doing all this sighing and forlorn gazing and running her hands along the walls saying ‘Ah, this place. So many memories’. I thought she was just trying to get out of doing the ROI stats.”

Line manager Joe Turner said: “We’ll miss Emma, in the sense that I’m not hiring anyone to replace her so her duties will be shared by the whole team. That will be a wrench.

“As a person? Put it this way, last year a staff member left who’d been here 18 years ever since leaving school. She’d spent her whole working career with us, raised children, the lot. I think her name was… Clara?”

Six Hollywood productions about ugly misfits that cast exclusively hot actors

THERE is ugliness in Hollywood, but only on the inside. Which is why the casting directors of these had to cast tanned and toned actors with glowing veneers: 

Uglies, 2024

An adaptation of a young adult novel where everyone’s considered ugly without cosmetic surgery which, it transpires, also makes them dull and controllable. If you’re 12 you’re amazed by that metaphor. The movie casts undeniably gorgeous Joey King as the cast-out misfit, because producers don’t understand metaphors written for 12-year-olds.

The DUFF, 2015

Another teen movie offender sees Mae Whitman labelled as the “designated ugly fat friend” for the crime of being very slightly shorter than her equally stunning co-stars. Much like forerunner She’s All That, a film that believes putting an actress in dungarees automatically makes her a munter.

The Batman, 2022

Male celebrities have lower standards of beauty than their aggressively youthful female counterparts – hence Adam Driver – but this symphony of misery dared to be different. Once named the sexiest Irish man on the planet, Colin Farrell was naturally a prime contender to play a hideous mobster named after a waddling bird.

Freaks and Geeks, 1999-2000

TV show centred on the aesthetically unfortunate on the margins of society, which starred handsome leading man James Franco alongside blonde Busy Phillips and brunette Linda Cardinella, all of whom are so attractive they would cause an awkward silence in a lift.

She’s All That, 1999

Can the campus hunk turn any random girl into the prom queen in just six weeks? Yes, if that girl is former model and FHM star Rachel Leigh Cook. North Korean elections are less blatantly rigged as contests.

Frankie and Johnny, 1991

An unglamorous story of waitress and short-order cook with criminal record, both working at a shithole New York diner, hooking up? Adapted from the Broadway hit starring unprepossessing F. Murray Abraham and Kathy Bates? Then surely casting leading man Al Pacino and stunning beauty Michelle Pfeiffer at the height of her powers will work?

Wuthering Heights, 2026

The upcoming adaptation of Wuthering Heights stars Jacob Elordi, who looks like his parents were a Greek goddess and the concept of wealth, as bitter, twisted foundling Heathcliff. Margot Robbie, meanwhile, will play a good honest Yorkshire lass raised on the Moors and a stranger to the sun. But with an orthodontist on speed dial.

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