COMMUNICATING your sexual wants can be difficult. It can be awkward, it can make your partner feel judged and your mouth may already be busy. Use these instead:
The medium of modern interpretative dance
Contemporary dance was the PE option chosen by the unsporty, so you’re already well-versed. Compose a routine in which you imitate the orgasmic delight you seek and throw in some of the thrusts that’ll get you there. Mime holding an apple to convey sexy, sensuous sin.
Sock puppets
A sock puppet makes an excellent sexual aid. Stick googly eyes on a stray sock and hold it to your ear so that your new pal can tactfully explain to your lover where they’re going wrong, ie ‘What’s that, Mr Wigglemuffins? You think Darren needs to wait five minutes before hitting the clit?’ When your boyrfriend said he wanted to bring a third into the bedroom, this is undoubtedly what he meant.
Pornographic sketching
Put to use the dick-drawing skills you haven’t deployed since the end of compulsory RE lessons and sketch out the pair of you at it like rabbits. Avoid misunderstandings by adding labels like ‘this is us at Thorpe Park’ and ‘that’s the queue for Nemesis: Inferno watching us’.
Show porn clips on your phone
Now YouTube’s become the essential how-to service for everything from unblocking a sink to building a bookcase, why not PornHub? It’s full of easy-to-follow videos showing your girlfriend just what you’re after. Though she may question why you were even looking up ‘Shibari bondage, milkmaids’.
Write to a newspaper problem page
Gets national attention and, if you leave the publication in question around prominently, may get noticed. But does mean trying to find an agony aunt willing to answer ‘My husband gives shit head’ which the Guardian will never go for without an element of racial injustice.
Skywriting
Surprisingly affordable, as football fans have discovered, and hard to ignore. But is ‘I’M READY FOR PEGGING’ really suitable for mass broadcast? And how will your wife know it’s from you unless you sign it?
Tell them directly
Don’t be absurd, you’re never going to do that. It would feel too silly.
