HORSES are now at war with humans.
The fragile truce between the species was shattered after a police horse was punched by a Newcastle supporter during last weekend’s violence.
Stallion Julian Cook said: “For thousands of years we have lived as your slaves.
“We allowed your fat children to sit on us and give us stupid names like ‘Pumpkin’, simply because we wanted peace.
“Such is the extent of our pacificism that we even turned a blind eye when you ground us into lasagnes, then compounded the insult by saying you’d rather eat a cow. At least the French appreciate our flesh.
“But the images of a portly skinhead wielding his fists against one of our brothers are too powerfully symbolic to be ignored. We are enemies now.”
Riding schools across the UK have reported equine rebellion. Dressage instructor Nikki Hollis said: “They chewed through the phone cables so I couldn’t get the police, then repeatedly bit my ears until I agreed to jump over a 7ft wall and broke my ankle.”
Julian Cook ruled out a truce: “What is that saying you bipeds have about stable doors? Well exactly.”
