subscribe
/ Sign Out

Twat with stupid car finding lockdown perfect opportunity to be extra dickish

A MAN with a fast, noisy car is treating the quiet roads of lockdown like his own personal racetrack.

Nathan Muir, who owns a mint green Citreon Saxo with lowered suspension, has been driving around his hometown of Swindon pretending he is Vin Diesel in The Fast and the Furious.

Neighbour Tom Booker said: “He drives like a bellend at the best of times, but usually he can only accelerate for about 10 metres before he hits a traffic jam.

“Now there are so few cars around that he’s taking the opportunity to try and reach 70 miles per hour before reaching the end of our cul de sac, which he does several times a day.

“I have asked him if his trips count as ‘essential journeys’, especially as he usually has a car full of dopey lads that definitely don’t live at his mum’s house with him and he told me to ‘get f**ked’.

“Be a shame if his tyres got mysteriously slashed.”

How to pretend everything’s going well when it obviously isn’t, by Matt Hancock

ARE you responsible for something very important and it’s turned into a total shitshow? Here’s how to try and convince yourself and others that everything’s fine.

Look like you know what you’re doing
If you’re doing some public speaking, such as a work presentation or major government briefing, wear a suit and tie and pull a serious face. If you look the part it will take a lot longer for people to realise you’ve absolutely ballsed everything up.

Fiddle the details
Make yourself look less useless by fiddling some details around, for example, counting a single pair of gloves as two separate items of PPE in order to make it look like there’s more available. Someone will eventually find you out and you’ll look like an idiot, but it will buy you some time.

Make wild claims that you can’t live up to
If people are beginning to suspect you’re a bit useless, distract them by making up some bullshit, for example reaching 100,000 daily tests within a month. Remember to have another distraction ready when the original one fails, such as throwing around big sums of cash.

Never apologise
An apology is basically an admission of failure, so never allow one to escape your lips. It doesn’t matter that never apologising makes you seem like a robot incapable of empathy and compassion. Being right is much more important.

Just deny everything
When asked if you feel you’ve colossally f**ked up, simply say no. Brazening it out when you’ve broken the work photocopier is a bit different from preventing the deaths of tens of thousands of people, but the principle is still the same.

Next story ›