Totally unique Gen Z problems that have not affected anyone else before

24th March 2023

EVERY generation thinks their problems are unique. Here member of Generation Z Josh Hudson explains the woes of his cohort that old people like you will never understand.

The environment

You’re so apathetic, but my generation is different. We won’t start out idealistic, then realise every government will fight tooth and nail to allow big business to keep mining and polluting, lose hope and settle for recycling yoghurt pots like you. We’ll keep fighting. I’ve already retweeted a Spongebob Squarepants meme about turtles. That will make people wake up.

Never owning a house

Just a dream for most of Gen Z. We’re missing out on owning a ludicrously overpriced asset that skyrockets in value for doing f**k all. That and being smug homeowners forever droning on about property prices who force the generation after us out of the market. It’s so unfair.

Technology addiction

We were born into a world where technology dominates every aspect of our lives. The toll on my generation has been horrific – sometimes I can’t stop myself playing Call of Duty: Modern Warfare II until 4am and sleeping through lunch. I’ve lost two close friends to TikTok – they used to be so sociable and lively, now they’re only interested in Nutella microwave recipes and some weird-looking guy singing along to Nelly Furtado.

Prejudice

I can’t believe everyone used to think racism was fine until my generation explained it wasn’t. Pressure from Gen Z has brought changes that really make a difference to ethnic minorities’ lives, eg. there are black hobbits now. As for LGBTQ+ issues, we’re helping by ruthlessly enforcing the use of the correct obscure, ever-changing terminology on Twitter.

Bullying

Bullying is an entirely new phenomenon. Before social media it just wasn’t possible. Would bullies travel halfway across the country and write ‘Ur a fag get aids + die shithead’ on someone’s garden wall? I don’t think so. My mum says bullies made her life hell at school, but I think she’s just trying to be down with young people, like when she claims to like pop music, not old person music like classical and hymns.

Job insecurity

Gen Z will never have a job for life, but for earlier generations even a creative career like aspiring writer or forming a band was a well-paid, steady job with a union. You’d never have to give up on your dreams and work in an office just to have some sort of normal life. I hate all you poets, painters and mime artists – you made your millions, bought massive houses and pulled up the ladder behind you.

Not getting laid

With our insecure employment and and crummy houseshares, it’s no wonder Gen Zers like me can’t get any sex. A frustrating lack of a shag is a problem that’s never affected young people before. The government needs to step in and at the very least provide us with free Kleenex.

Five body parts men never, ever wash

24th March 2023

MEN spend less time showering and bathing than women because they have manly things to think about, like hunting and PlayStation. Here’s what they’ve eliminated entirely from the washing process.

Below the knees

Most men classify the area below the knees as officially ‘out of reach’. Though not strictly true, washing the area does demand a level of bending that’s frankly unacceptable to the average bloke. Fortunately, thanks to gravity, any soap used on the body eventually dribbles down the lower legs anyway, which is probably the same as cleaning them.

Back

What’s the point of washing something you never see? To men, washing the back is a pointless endeavour – like hoovering the carpet under a sofa, or cleaning the inside of your car, especially if you’ve already got a sexual partner. Anyway, it’s not as if your back turns black with filth like an ancient sofa. Or does it? You don’t know.

Foreskin interior

It’s probably self-cleaning, like a vagina or fancy oven. In any case, some jobs are simply too complicated for the layman. Entering the foreskin is a complicated procedure and should only ever be performed by a highly-trained penis doctor.

Face

Deep down men subconsciously believe washing your face is for women and homosexuals. The act of applying soap – or, worse still, some sort of cream – to the face is a dire threat to their fragile masculinity. A real man’s face should be caked in dirt, like a coal miner or soldier living in a trench, and it’s hard to get that look when you’re using spreadsheets all day.

Behind their balls

What goes on behind the balls? Men don’t know – and they don’t want to know. Attempting to clean whatever is down there is treading on dangerous ground. It’s an investigation that can only end in sadness. Some things are best left a mystery.