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The schoolkid's guide to twatting about on the way home

ARE you and your mates thrilled to be set free from school every afternoon? Here’s how to piss off innocent people also using the pavement. 

Ignore social distancing

Wander home slowly in large clumps, like semi-sentient mushrooms. Covid doesn’t affect you and no one really cares about it anyway. Don’t wonder why adults with fully formed brains are politely trying to step into the road without being run over.

Ostentatious swearing 

Childhood is a time to explore boundaries, but endlessly shouting ‘F**K OFF!’ at each other in squeaky, high-pitched voices like Alvin and the Chipmunks is just a bit tiresome. It’s unlikely that genuine hard cases like gangsters and drug dealers even bother with swearing, preferring to just cut people’s fingers off. But don’t do that.

Bloody melodrama

You MUST rush over to Keira to breathlessly repeat what Jayson said about Cassie, then scream about it. No, really, do this more often, preferably while crossing a busy road or, ideally, a motorway.

Shit bullying

If you’re going to bully someone, give them a good thump. Then any nearby adults will know they should immediately step in, rather than being caught in a time-wasting thought process of ‘Is this just kids larking around or is it serious? Also my Haagen-Dazs is melting.’

Create an impenetrable wall of parent cars

Get mum or dad to pick you up from school, ensuring that every nearby road is double-parked, traffic slows to a crawl and pedestrians have to squeeze between bumpers to cross the road. Don’t rush off, though. Have a good old chat about your music lesson.

Don’t actually go home yet

School finishes relatively early, so you are time-rich. You’ve got at least an hour to fill with enriching experiences such as throwing chips at each other outside Burger’N’Pizza and doing a shit ‘tag’ on a bin.

Five things women are allowed to say and do that men aren't

EQUALITY has come such a long way that women barely need to worry their pretty little heads about it anymore. They can even say and do these things that men aren’t allowed to.

Praise a female friend’s hot photo

When a female friend posts a flattering selfie on social media, women are at total liberty to write hyperbolic yet insincere praise in the comments, usually with a lot of kisses. If a man were to try this he’d look deeply creepy, and rightly be unfriended. Just click the ‘like’ button, chaps.

Talk about the pay gap with authority

Even if a man is well-informed about the subject, which, let’s be honest, he won’t be, he’d still come across as a mansplainer. Very unfair, even if he’s seriously imagined what it would be like to be pregnant a couple of times.

Find lost items quickly

Due to mysterious processes of evolution beyond our understanding, men aren’t allowed to notice a misplaced object even if it’s staring them in the face. Instead they need the help of women, who for some reason are permitted to spot the completely f**king obvious.

Tell a woman to ‘calm down’

Thousands of men are admitted to hospital every year with injuries because they told a woman to calm down, and yet they still haven’t learnt that it’s not acceptable. Meanwhile women are free to chirrup these words of comfort to each other in total safety. Pure hypocrisy.

Ogle a window cleaner drinking Diet Coke at 11.30

The chances of a topless beefcake chugging Diet Coke outside an office are slim, but if it ever happens then society has given women the green light to gaze at him in a lecherous manner. The Coca-Cola Company should be more woke and have a fat guy wheezing while carrying two breeze blocks then sitting down for a fag.

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