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Five childhood things that turned you into a nerd

HAVE you suffered all your life from being a bit of a nerd? Here are the childhood influences that condemned you to a life of dorkiness.

Being shit at sport

Whether football or netball, a lack of aptitude for sport forced you into other pursuits. Soon you devoted your energies to being good at maths or reading The Tripods. There was now no way back to normality.

2000AD comic 

A generation of normal children was lost to 2000AD. Now, aged 40+, you still have a comprehensive knowledge of not only Judges Dredd, Death and Anderson, but also Rogue Trooper’s travails on the Dix-I front and Skizz, if you remember that. Victims should band together and sue Tharg, but that would not be zarjaz.

Pokemon 

With games and trading cards, the addictive Pokemon universe sucked you in. Despite getting older, there were fresh temptations like Pokemon GO and the vast range of cute merchandise/tat. It may even have served as a gateway drug to other Japanese nerdiness, and you now have a vast collection of incomprehensible manga films.

Wearing glasses

Glasses are cooler now, but the NHS versions of the past made you look like a Thunderbirds puppet or Adrian Mole. They certainly didn’t scream ‘Invite me to a cool teenage party!’ where you could get wasted on someone’s dad’s unwanted homebrew. Socially isolated, apart from your friends at computer club, you accepted your destiny as a nerd.

Doctor Who 

Nothing has so completely sealed your fate as a geek as Doctor Who. It’s well over 30 years since Tom Baker or Peter Davison and shonky effects like the Myrka, but to this day you still watch the latest series in the hope that it will get better. And you’re genuinely upset about the rewriting of the history of Gallifrey. But rightly so.

The moron's guide to noticing it's raining

DO you think the weather is a fascinating topic of conversation and not in fact f**king dull? Here’s how to point out that rain droplets are falling from the sky today.

Sigh

Exhaling a wistful sigh from your nostrils while mournfully looking out of the window is a good way to communicate that you’ve noticed a light drizzle. Anyone else in the room will briefly wonder if you’ve received some tragic news, before quickly realising you’re being melodramatic about everyday weather again.

Have a long conversation about it

There’s not much to say about rain other than ‘It’s raining’, and even that’s pushing it. But if you’re really dull, spin this simple observation out into a full-blown conversation lasting half an hour. Other people don’t even need to say anything – feel free to make it a monologue about this incredible event. 

Say ‘Fine weather for ducks!’

One for chirpy dullards who say ‘Every cloud…’ without finishing the sentence. Nobody usually gives a shit if waterfowl are enjoying the weather, so why make an exception when it’s raining? 

Comment on how we needed it

You’re not a farmer whose livelihood depends on the soil getting decent saturation, so stop sounding so earnest. Chances are you’re actually surrounded by parched house plants who are yearning to be held out of the window for a drink because you’ve totally neglected them now the novelty’s worn off.

Run under cover while shrieking

At the first spot of rain completely lose your shit, frantically hold your coat over your head, then race to find cover while shrieking as if lava is falling from the sky. In modern Britain there are no recorded cases of anyone getting hypothermia and dying after getting a bit wet popping out to the shops.

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