ANNOYED about your pizza oven’s expired warranty or your over-budget extension? Complain about privileged things in a self-aware way with this guide.
Use disclaimers
Phrases such as ‘I know I shouldn’t complain, but…’ and ‘I feel so lucky even to have this problem’ buy you full rights to grumble about how hard it is to iron 800-thread-count White Company bed linen. And how annoying it is to hear your lazy cleaning woman whingeing about having to do it.
Choose your audience
If you only ever voice your grievances in front of other middle-class people who also may be having problems with their instant boiling water tap, there’s no need to hold back. Just make sure you never stray into the company of a person on the lowest tax rate or a wealthy Guardian reader who likes to show off about having a conscience.
Mention your difficult youth
You don’t have to go full-on Monty Python ‘Four Yorkshiremen’, but mentioning your difficult childhood will go some way to offsetting the privilege of your current complaint. For example, when lamenting how hard it is to broach the subject of hourly rates with your new cleaner, be sure to mention that when you were young your parents were so poor they had to clean their own house.
Get the tone right
You can say whatever you like so long as you sound guilty while you do it. If you whisper self-consciously enough, the thing you just said doesn’t count as having been said at all – such as your comment about the noise from your kitchen extension disrupting your private home-yoga sessions.
Talk about how hard you work
You can justify complaining about any number of irritating issues with your smart doorbell’s camera as long as you also bang on about how bollocking busy you are working to afford all these needless luxuries. Even a rant about the ripeness of Waitrose golden kiwis is fair game after a busy week.
