EVERYTHING costs more than previously, but these six items cost more than you are capable of comprehending. Reel at the sheer cost of these:
A 2012 Nissan Micra: £7,500
Ten years old, 50,000 miles on the clock, a 1.2 litre engine: you f**king what? It can’t be that much. You only paid three grand more for your current car which is bigger and newer and superior in every way, and that’s shit. Though from now on you’ll be driving it like it’s made of glass.
A quote from a builder: £3,200
It’s not major work. You’re not getting a pissing extension. Just a garden wall and fixing the paving and sorting out that gutter that came off in Storm Eunice, and he’s quoting that? While telling you it could be a lot higher by May, which is the soonest he’s got a gap in the diary?
A two-bedroom flat in Manchester: £1,200 a month
No, the Manchester up North, not a fancy district of London calling itself Manchester. The actual Manchester – what? Seriously? For a flat where the living area’s basically the hall and the bedroom’s a corridor? That you couldn’t get three mates in without one of them sitting in the kitchen? In a shithole like Manchester?
Cooking a roast dinner: £2.12 an hour
The Sunday roast’s on, you’re slicing carrots, you’ve poured yourself a glass of wine, then you catch sight of the smart meter. That much an hour? To roast a chicken? Can you serve it undercooked? How much is it going to cost by Christmas dinner? No question, you’ll have to go your mum’s.
A Billy bookcase: £70
You’ve abandoned all illusions. You no longer believe that you can do better than IKEA, the same place you bought furniture when you were a f**king student. You just want somewhere to put your books, even if it is cheap, shit chipboard that’ll collapse when a butterfly alights on it. It used to be like £22. Now it’s £70.
A bag of Tyrrells: £2.30
Everything’s too much, so you’re going to sit at home on the settee and eat crisps while watching telly. It’s the British way. Except even at a big supermarket they’re charging the kind of price you only used to see on a bloody train. You can’t even afford to kill yourself slowly by blocking your arteries. That’s what we’ve come to.
